This Really Feels Like The End....

OMG, I'm falling apart, bit by bit every little moment.
So I was talking to this chick on Skype from PrettyThin.
She basically called meh rude & inconsiderate.
Wtf? Why the hell is she talking to meh then? She said my ignorance is amusing to her.
I will admit some of the things I say are a bit crazy but it's never my intention to hurt anyone.
Sometimes I just get jealous & bitter. I know jealousy is an ugly thing but who doesn't get jealous?! I can't help the way I feel.
I don't get how everyone wants to hurt meh all of the sudden.
I swear the entire world is against meh. I just wanna know why everyone hates meh so fucking much, like seriously? When did I become the most horrible girl on Earth? No one bothered to tell meh either. I'm feeling like a total bag of shit right now. Even his parents hate meh. It's like killing them to know he's with such a pathetic excuse of a human being. I mean do I even qualify as one? I'm this useless ball of matter or a bubble that someone should just burst. I wanna take that girls suggestion & hang myself. If I'm this horrible how can I possibly deserve to live? Will told meh I'll live to be really old b/c evil people never die. By that logic he'll fucking live to be 300 years old. All this time I'm thinking I'm a nice & down to earth when apparently, I'm some rude ass brat who never says anything worth while & I should just kill myself & get it all over with.

Will called meh an hour ago. I was already holding back the tears from all the girl had told meh, then he called.I heard his voice. He sounded so mean, he started to talk. I actually asked him did u just call to insult meh? He said yeah. I was doing so good. I hadn't cried or cut in a whole day. If you're like him then you'll say that's nothing b/c he laughed, he fucking laughed like it's funny. I tried to defend myself but I couldn't. I'm just a joke to him. I could bleed to death in a puddle of my own blood & it wouldn't affect him. He just doesn't fucking get it & it's tearing meh up inside. And the outside for that matter. I haven't cut this much since I was 13. All he is saying is "whatever" no matter what I say. I'm trying SO hard to make him understand what I'm going thur lately but he just doesn't seem to care. It's not getting thur to him. He thinks I'm faking this entire thing, that this is an act. He told meh to "stop acting emo" I'm not acting. He's like "so stop being emo" OMG, I wish, I just wish it was that easy.I would love to turn off how I'm feeling but I can't & sooner than later my behavior is gonna push him away. I think that's the one thing I worry about. I'm not gonna be able to keep him the way I am. I don't wanna be like this but I can't make it go away. Why would I fake this?! He told meh that I need to get over whatever it is I'm dealing with, I'm not the only one with problems & the world doesn't revolve meh.I can't always be the center of attention. I'm not trying to be the center of attention. I'm sorry I'm wrong to think my boyfriend would care that for the past two weeks I'm going thur the most horrible time I've gone thur in 5 years. The last time I was like this I was single & honestly that made it alot more simple. You'd think it would be easier having someone who is supposedly by youtself be there for you BUT he just thinks I'm crying & cutting for attention, his attention. I'm like don't delude yourself, of course I care if my cutting gets your attention but don't you dare think I'm doing this solely for you. I cut long before he was in my life. He just jokes about everything that's in my life. The fact that I don't have any friends anymore but Carlisa & our friendship is hanging on by a thin thread too. He's like you've never had friends b/c you're so creepy. Are u kidding meh?! He doesn't realize the things he says are slowly killing meh, it's bad enough having strangers online be mean to meh but my fucking boyfriend. I told him that he hasn't always known meh. He wasn't around when I had tons of friends, when people actually liked meh before I fucked up & scared away everyone.I wasn't always this lonely. He told meh to name one friend I use to have.I named 4 then he goes on like I'm making up imaginary friends. He acts like he knows meh, like he really knows meh, like he's in my head & he gets what I go thur. He doesn't, no one does. My mother doesn't. She actually said the same thing as him, sorta"can't you pretend to be happy?" NO! If I could I wouldn't be sitting here crying my eyes out getting tears all over my laptop. He told meh that he tries to be nice to meh but then I get all "emo" & I ruin everything. He told meh I ruin everything, I was like seriously? How could u say that?! I'm not ruining anything! He acts like his life would be perfect without meh? Like I'm doing something wrong. He's the one who has the fucked up girlfriend & he just sits back watching meh breakdown like my life is fucking movie. I cried on the phone for 30 mintues & not once did he care. He said that way I am makes it hard for him to be there for someone.So when I'm crying & slitting my wrist, it's easier for him to just insult meh more, b/c everyone else in the world is throwing daggers at meh that makes it okay for him to throw them to? Yeah, very smart. Kick a girl when she's down. That's very fucking manly of him.

I feel like NOT one person on Earth gets what I'm going thur right now. I know, I sound like such a brat but this is my fucking blog, the one place I can rant & no one can say anything. Got a problem with it? Fuck off. I'm sorry I'm not little miss perfect. The way they're expecting meh to be is like telling a blind person to see. You can tell em but that isn't gonna make them actually see. You can't change some things. Believe meh, I don't like the way I am. I don't like that I'm always crying, I'm always bitching, I'm always bitter & jealous of other girls, I'm needy, I feel like I always have to have Will around. I don't like anything about myself. I haven't eaten in a week & my tummy is cramping up to the point where it's putting pressure on my chest. I don't wanna eat, I wanna starve til my heart finally stops.I don't see a way out of this. I just don't get what's wrong with meh. Will asked if I was on my period. I actually am BUT that's not it b/c I've been feeling this way for a while. Plus, believe it or not I'm not one to get all emotional on my period.It's the other 25 days a month that have meh in a bitchy mood. Ugh, fuck fuck fuck it.My fucking head is killing meh but at least the tears have stopped.I'm sure I missed a shitload of details but you get the gist. Lately I'm too shaken up to even thinking straight. I fail at everything, even my blog :(