I went to therapy today.
I almost didn't make it there. She keeps giving meh morning appointments.
They get earlier each time. What the hell is wrong with that woman?!
One time she gave meh an appointment at 8am.
I was the only one in the office besides one receptionist.
It took her another hour to get there. I was pissed by them & I told her like "I've been sitting in the waiting room for over an hour, where were you?!"
She was like "oh I forgot, I don't even get here to 9."
Wtf? How the hell do you gimme an appointment when you aren't even on duty?!
Today's appointment was at 9am, Please, at 9am I'm just getting to sleep from staying up all night. The last time was at 10. I didn't even wake up til 7:30 & it takes meh over an hour to get to the office. I thought I wouldn't make it. I made it, 15 minutes late, she took another 10 minutes to see meh which totally cut my session short. That hour turned into 25 minutes.
She like totally took Williams mother side of this whole situation. I was like are u kidding meh, you're suppose to be on my side?! What I love about Nike is that I can say anything to her, she's not exactly cool with everything but she just lets meh rant. I made some homicidal threats that almost got meh put away. I simply said that I wanted to kill his mother after the way she's been treating meh, before was just a temporary lapse of judgment. I didn't mean it. Now I do. So I mentioned ways to poison her & whatnot. I don't really know where to get poison from so I was thinking household products like Clorox & bug spray. Oh gosh. I need help. After telling her that she was like "this girl is insane" I know she was thinking that.She had this stoic look on her face.I was just laughing. It's all jokes, people take meh too seriously.I'm like the joker. I don't mean what I say. Actually maybe I'm not like him, he actually fucks shit up when he says he will. Nevermind! Scratch that. But yeah, I'm not really going to try to murder his mother. That's not even worth the jail time. I'm just gonna forget how much she hates meh. Like Nike said, I can't change the way she feels about meh, as much as I wish I could. I mean she didn't always hate meh, she just thought I was weird & "spacey" I went & ruined everything with this damn blog. No use in obsessing over it now. This is a lost cause.
I totally insulted her too. I didn't mean to. It just came up like word vomit. I mean she had this ugly green colored shirt on. I asked her if she had gotten dressed in the dark? She said no. I think I pushed one of her buttons. She wore white crop pants with green/white flowered platform sandals. They were so cute & fashionable. I asked her could I have her shoes. She said you want these? They're probably too big for you. What size do you wear, a 7? Do I look that tiny?! I was like not really a 7 1/2 or an 8 it depends. She said I wear a 9.Holy shit! I thought I wore a size 9 for the longest time until I tried on a 7 1/2 one day & they fit.I was flipping out in the store.See, when I was little my mother always bought my shoes an entire size too big to make sure I'd be able to wear em a long time since we couldn't afford to buy shoes frequently. I grew up fast.I've had my same height, weight & shoe size since I was in the 6th grade pretty much. She was like you have tiny feet. I really don't. They're small in width but long in length, lookin at them you'd think I wore like a size 10.
Anyhow, she clearly told meh to stay away from Williams mother house & that I shouldn't wanna be somewhere I'm not welcomed. That's true. She got all uber serious. She said it seems like Will & I are taking over this mothers house. NO! I am not. He is. He's the one who brings meh there. I'm willing to sleep in his car all night, hell I'll even have sex in the car. Doesn't bother meh. I told her I wasn't. I actually started screaming. How can I be taking over her house when I stay in his bedroom all day & only go downstairs after she goes to sleep? I avoid even getting in her way. She bitches about meh eating all the ice & using their home phone. I was so annoyed.I wanted to zone out but I need to grow up & get over shit. She actually said Wills mother could get a restraining order on meh. Whoa! That did NOT cross my mind. Would she really do that?! That would make her officially evil. I wish she would. I told Nike that I didn't care, she could do that.It wouldn't affect meh. I mean I don't have to go over there. But what she said really got to meh, like it stuck in my head. That rarely happens. I 100% agreed, well more like 90%. She actually made meh feel bad....ugh. I hate when therapists do that. She use to be so cool, now she's being like a real therapist.I want my friend back!
So I've decided I'm not going over there anymore. Will is gonna have to deal with it. I don't care if he wines & shit. His mother is gonna get her wish. She won't see meh again as long as she lives. Her house is NOT the only place we can go. I will gladly sit at the park for 5 hours if it means I won't have to see her or have her talk about meh when I'm in the other room. We only go there for sex anyhow & he takes forever to take meh back home.I'm not sex obsessed anymore.I'm actually tired of sex.I don't know what it is but I'm totally uninterested in it. I mean I might still sit in the car inside the garage if I have to but actually stepping foot inside there is not happening. That woman is one of my triggers.Will has no idea how miserable I was over there for a week. Nike was like what were u doing on there that long when she hates you?! Good question.
I admit I volunteered myself to stay for two of those days.I wasn't ready to go to my boring home but the only days were all on him! She also weighed meh & said I'm being defiant b/c I haven't been attending the support group for anorexics. I was afraid to look at the scale. I haven't been on mine at home in days. I was like "kay, you can't like call meh fat if it's a high number? It was 99lbs but I made sure to tell her to subtract the clothing & shoes I was wearing, plus water weight from all the Gatorade I drunk this morning. I'm not that big. Yes, I am making up excuses to not be fat. She gave meh disappointed look. I'm thinking "don't gimme that look" I haven't lost like I want to so she has nothing to worry about.
I had an appointment with my doctor, not medical (she's the one who prescribes meh pills) today too. Nike told meh to be nice to Dr. Jindau & cooperate with her so she won't think that I don't really need meds & then they'll stop my sessions. I told her "that was hard. Have u ever talked to that woman?! She's so annoying" She was like yes, I have. Oh well, then she's showing us two different sides of herself. I told her about Will & his mother, that I was previously cutting but I haven't in over three weeks.I have things under control now I think. I told her about my thoughts to murder his mother but that was over now & I didn't intend to follow thur on it. I told her I've been having problems sleeping, going to bed at 4am & that I dropped out of college & felt less stress now. She asked meh how my eating was. I said well I had been eating for 3 weeks b/c my mother forced meh. She said "forced" She didn't literally sit you down & force the food into your mother, did she? I said no, but she...she kept cutting meh off. If my mother cooks & then sits a plate down in front of meh then I feel obligated to eat it b/c she took time to make it. It wasn't bad.It's not like my mother cooks fattening, greasy, heart clogging meals. She's pretty healthy, sometimes too healthy & bland. She told meh that was ALL meh & to give myself a pat on the back for eating properly. Are u fucking kidding meh?! I'm not 7 years old. I still wouldn't have eaten if she didn't volunteer meh to. She'll be like you're gonna eat & to shut her up, I'm like yeah. Ugh! She prescribed meh sleeping pills & some more anti depressants.I'm going to take this time. I hate that I'm going to have to eat tho. Yuck! I have to take em twice a day.That's two meals a day.I'm not even down with one meal. When the session was over in 15 minutes she was like "thank you for actually cooperating with meh this time" I was thinking wtf, I did the same exact thing I always do. What the hell changed?! Ugh, I wanna strangle that lady.
Why is everyone against meh these days?! I need someone on my side. That would be nice *kicks the wall*
I almost didn't make it there. She keeps giving meh morning appointments.
They get earlier each time. What the hell is wrong with that woman?!
One time she gave meh an appointment at 8am.
I was the only one in the office besides one receptionist.
It took her another hour to get there. I was pissed by them & I told her like "I've been sitting in the waiting room for over an hour, where were you?!"
She was like "oh I forgot, I don't even get here to 9."
Wtf? How the hell do you gimme an appointment when you aren't even on duty?!
Today's appointment was at 9am, Please, at 9am I'm just getting to sleep from staying up all night. The last time was at 10. I didn't even wake up til 7:30 & it takes meh over an hour to get to the office. I thought I wouldn't make it. I made it, 15 minutes late, she took another 10 minutes to see meh which totally cut my session short. That hour turned into 25 minutes.
She like totally took Williams mother side of this whole situation. I was like are u kidding meh, you're suppose to be on my side?! What I love about Nike is that I can say anything to her, she's not exactly cool with everything but she just lets meh rant. I made some homicidal threats that almost got meh put away. I simply said that I wanted to kill his mother after the way she's been treating meh, before was just a temporary lapse of judgment. I didn't mean it. Now I do. So I mentioned ways to poison her & whatnot. I don't really know where to get poison from so I was thinking household products like Clorox & bug spray. Oh gosh. I need help. After telling her that she was like "this girl is insane" I know she was thinking that.She had this stoic look on her face.I was just laughing. It's all jokes, people take meh too seriously.I'm like the joker. I don't mean what I say. Actually maybe I'm not like him, he actually fucks shit up when he says he will. Nevermind! Scratch that. But yeah, I'm not really going to try to murder his mother. That's not even worth the jail time. I'm just gonna forget how much she hates meh. Like Nike said, I can't change the way she feels about meh, as much as I wish I could. I mean she didn't always hate meh, she just thought I was weird & "spacey" I went & ruined everything with this damn blog. No use in obsessing over it now. This is a lost cause.
I totally insulted her too. I didn't mean to. It just came up like word vomit. I mean she had this ugly green colored shirt on. I asked her if she had gotten dressed in the dark? She said no. I think I pushed one of her buttons. She wore white crop pants with green/white flowered platform sandals. They were so cute & fashionable. I asked her could I have her shoes. She said you want these? They're probably too big for you. What size do you wear, a 7? Do I look that tiny?! I was like not really a 7 1/2 or an 8 it depends. She said I wear a 9.Holy shit! I thought I wore a size 9 for the longest time until I tried on a 7 1/2 one day & they fit.I was flipping out in the store.See, when I was little my mother always bought my shoes an entire size too big to make sure I'd be able to wear em a long time since we couldn't afford to buy shoes frequently. I grew up fast.I've had my same height, weight & shoe size since I was in the 6th grade pretty much. She was like you have tiny feet. I really don't. They're small in width but long in length, lookin at them you'd think I wore like a size 10.
Anyhow, she clearly told meh to stay away from Williams mother house & that I shouldn't wanna be somewhere I'm not welcomed. That's true. She got all uber serious. She said it seems like Will & I are taking over this mothers house. NO! I am not. He is. He's the one who brings meh there. I'm willing to sleep in his car all night, hell I'll even have sex in the car. Doesn't bother meh. I told her I wasn't. I actually started screaming. How can I be taking over her house when I stay in his bedroom all day & only go downstairs after she goes to sleep? I avoid even getting in her way. She bitches about meh eating all the ice & using their home phone. I was so annoyed.I wanted to zone out but I need to grow up & get over shit. She actually said Wills mother could get a restraining order on meh. Whoa! That did NOT cross my mind. Would she really do that?! That would make her officially evil. I wish she would. I told Nike that I didn't care, she could do that.It wouldn't affect meh. I mean I don't have to go over there. But what she said really got to meh, like it stuck in my head. That rarely happens. I 100% agreed, well more like 90%. She actually made meh feel bad....ugh. I hate when therapists do that. She use to be so cool, now she's being like a real therapist.I want my friend back!
So I've decided I'm not going over there anymore. Will is gonna have to deal with it. I don't care if he wines & shit. His mother is gonna get her wish. She won't see meh again as long as she lives. Her house is NOT the only place we can go. I will gladly sit at the park for 5 hours if it means I won't have to see her or have her talk about meh when I'm in the other room. We only go there for sex anyhow & he takes forever to take meh back home.I'm not sex obsessed anymore.I'm actually tired of sex.I don't know what it is but I'm totally uninterested in it. I mean I might still sit in the car inside the garage if I have to but actually stepping foot inside there is not happening. That woman is one of my triggers.Will has no idea how miserable I was over there for a week. Nike was like what were u doing on there that long when she hates you?! Good question.
I admit I volunteered myself to stay for two of those days.I wasn't ready to go to my boring home but the only days were all on him! She also weighed meh & said I'm being defiant b/c I haven't been attending the support group for anorexics. I was afraid to look at the scale. I haven't been on mine at home in days. I was like "kay, you can't like call meh fat if it's a high number? It was 99lbs but I made sure to tell her to subtract the clothing & shoes I was wearing, plus water weight from all the Gatorade I drunk this morning. I'm not that big. Yes, I am making up excuses to not be fat. She gave meh disappointed look. I'm thinking "don't gimme that look" I haven't lost like I want to so she has nothing to worry about.
I had an appointment with my doctor, not medical (she's the one who prescribes meh pills) today too. Nike told meh to be nice to Dr. Jindau & cooperate with her so she won't think that I don't really need meds & then they'll stop my sessions. I told her "that was hard. Have u ever talked to that woman?! She's so annoying" She was like yes, I have. Oh well, then she's showing us two different sides of herself. I told her about Will & his mother, that I was previously cutting but I haven't in over three weeks.I have things under control now I think. I told her about my thoughts to murder his mother but that was over now & I didn't intend to follow thur on it. I told her I've been having problems sleeping, going to bed at 4am & that I dropped out of college & felt less stress now. She asked meh how my eating was. I said well I had been eating for 3 weeks b/c my mother forced meh. She said "forced" She didn't literally sit you down & force the food into your mother, did she? I said no, but she...she kept cutting meh off. If my mother cooks & then sits a plate down in front of meh then I feel obligated to eat it b/c she took time to make it. It wasn't bad.It's not like my mother cooks fattening, greasy, heart clogging meals. She's pretty healthy, sometimes too healthy & bland. She told meh that was ALL meh & to give myself a pat on the back for eating properly. Are u fucking kidding meh?! I'm not 7 years old. I still wouldn't have eaten if she didn't volunteer meh to. She'll be like you're gonna eat & to shut her up, I'm like yeah. Ugh! She prescribed meh sleeping pills & some more anti depressants.I'm going to take this time. I hate that I'm going to have to eat tho. Yuck! I have to take em twice a day.That's two meals a day.I'm not even down with one meal. When the session was over in 15 minutes she was like "thank you for actually cooperating with meh this time" I was thinking wtf, I did the same exact thing I always do. What the hell changed?! Ugh, I wanna strangle that lady.
Why is everyone against meh these days?! I need someone on my side. That would be nice *kicks the wall*
0 comments:
Post a Comment