Is He For Real?!

I'm pissed off..by the time you finish reading this, you're gonna hate Will more than ever. I know. I've heard it all. I should dump him. He's not worth it. I can do better. He's using meh. Maybe someday I'll get it thur my head. A girl can hope right. I won't always be this way....Somewhere along the way someone did some damage to meh to make meh this much of a fucking doormat.

So I was just sleeping. Will called meh at 6, it's 8:05 now. We had a 45 minute conversation. Then another one for another 40 minutes. This time I called him back. He's mad b/c I won't spend the fucking 4th of July holiday with him. Even tho it's over in about 5 hours. He doesn't wanna drive in traffic so he wants meh to take 3 hours or so to get to his neighborhood on public transportation. Dude, it's the fucking holiday which means buses & trains are gonna run slower than usual, they're on Holiday & Weekend schedule. Combined I'll be waiting for a bus for 2 hours. I'm not even in the mood for that. I don't wanna see him. He wants to see meh therefore I shouldn't have to be the one to go thur hell. So he refused to come here & I'm not going there. That's the end of that. Maybe he'll see meh on Wednesday or something & I'm still gonna have to ride two hours to his place. My mother is like wtf is wrong with him? He expects meh to be riding public transportation at night on a holiday. If he wanted to he should have called meh this morning, early. He'll get over it.

I really had fun yesterday evening with Carlisa.At least when she jokes they don't hurt meh. Tomorrow I'm hanging with Carlisa & Brandon. That will take my mind off my sucky relationship.

He was like "would you be mad if I had a child with another girl?" I'm like dude, does the logical part of your brain even work?! Hell yeah I'd be mad.That would be the END of our relationship. I can take a lot obviously If he can't have kids with his so called fiance then he shouldn't wanna have kids with any of girl. Him & Barbara were talking about having a child b/c she wants a mixed child but it's not gonna happen. It was just a talk. He says the difference is he won't have to raise her child & he'll have to raise mine.Seriously? Really? Isn't that what a father is suppose to do?! It's better to have a child with someone you love rather than just some random person. I'm like why are u even having that conversation with her?! How much sense does that make? He said he was just joking asking that question. Yeah, wrong question.

He also kinda kissed more like sucked on her neck but it was only for 10 seconds & it meant nothing. It was just cute & it was over before it started. Ugh,I don't get why he needed to do that in the first place. His mouth shouldn't be near her neck at all.I knew something happened, as small as it was when he said he spend yesterday watching the soccer game at her place, in her bedroom on her bed while she was cleaning. And there was a cute little story to go with it. She washed his wallet when she took off the bed covers to do laundry. Awe. He's like now we're even. A couple months ago back in March, I saw my ex on the train. We hung out the rest of the day then he kissed meh. It was like a split second & I pushed him off meh. That's nothing like this.I haven't had any feelings for Brandon (not the same Brandon above) since we were 16. He was abusive.I got dragged by my ponytail down the hall by him in 10th grade. Will voluntary sucked on Barbara's neck in the moment. That's totally different. He has a few feelings for her.She's way outta her league & I shouldn't be worried b/c they'll never get together but they're getting closer.

I'm like you should gimme money so I can go shopping. He's like no, I shouldn't besides I already spent my money on Barbara. I'm not sure how much but even spending one penny on another girl doesn't sit well with meh. Kay, that was the straw that broke the camels back. He never gives meh any money really. I was like why can't she get a job & spend her own money. He then said why couldn't I do the same thing? I can, if I could get hired! She'd get a job quicker than meh. Who doesn't wanna hire little miss freaking perfect?! I'm I hung up the phone on him. You can spend money on your friend who's a girl but not your girlfriend. Seriously, he should just go to all those other girls & stop treating meh like this. He has a bank account with a shitload of money in it. He broke the zipper on my $35 dollar jeans & stretched my extra small shirt. One of the few shirts that fit meh. I asked him to take meh to Wal-Mart to get a new outfit. Did he? Of course not. That would be too much to ask. I mean it's Walmart I could have gotten a replacement outfit for like $30 at the most.I could have even went to the clearance which would have been like $20.

He said he's gonna be successful one day & I'm gonna be homeless.
Meh: No you're not.
Him: Not if I stay with you.
That motherfucker :D
w/e I hope a firecracker gets thrown thur his window.That's unlikely but it could happen.

So he apologized but I'm still mad.He doesn't think any of that is a big deal. I sure as hell do. I'm such an idiot. It's not like I don't realize what's happening & what he's doing to meh. I just can't help myself & leave. I'm like dude, I love you & you know I do or I wouldn't put up with all your shit. He's like well I love you too or I wouldn't I put up with all your shit either. Kay, that's great i guess. We're both horrible people. Good thing we aren't having kids. They'd be horrible little demon beings. He said I don't get why you have to treat meh so horrible.Yeah, I'm not gonna lie.I don't post all the shit I do to him here BUT the only reason I do it to him b/c he treated meh horrible first. I'm like I accept that you're never gonna change, you'll always be an inconsiderate jerk & you should accept that I'll always be an annoying winy "emo" brat. Those are things you have to get past if you really love someone and deal with it. But it's not my sole mission in life to hurt him. He just does things to fuck with meh. He said well at least I abuse you mentally. To be honest I'd much rather be abused physically. Cuts, bruises & broken bones heal. The thoughts people put inside my head will NEVER leave. I can remember every bad thing that's ever been said to meh by anyone. They're all embedded in my head. People online, random strangers, teachers, students, my mother, so called friends, exes. EVERYONE. I have a scar from Brandon digging a knife into my hand in 10th grade. I have a scar on my inner arm from this guy throwing a rock at meh.It actually made a slit in my arm.Those were years ago. I got over them & they don't hurt at all. Mental stuff sticks with meh like a postage stamp to an envelope.

Ugh, FML. William is officially my favorite mistake. That's not good or bad. It's just I don't know why I'm putting myself thur this. I spend almost 2 hours telling him how I feel. Who wants to bet NOT one bit of it got thur his head.