They're My Biggest Fans XD

Ugh, my anti depressants & sleeping pills have meh fucked up.
I had the most miserable time sleeping last night.
They're suppose to make meh sleep better but they put meh in a coma state & I have the hardest time getting up. I've been up for almost two hours now & I'm still sleepy.I'm trying my hardest to not crash my head into my laptop.

William called meh at 12:30 am just to talk & then again at 2:30 am to tell meh that his mother has also given my blog information to his sister Beth, now her & her girlfriend are reading my blog. Him & his mother got into an argument about meh which led to her mentioning that she's still reading my blog. She told Beth who wanted to read it and so did her girlfriend. Wow. Why don't they just print out my blog, make it into a book & put it on the coffee table. They act like it's a best selling book. I'm kinda flattered that they care so much to have the entire family reading my blog. I wonder if his father is also a fan. They all get to brain pick meh now.

So I changed the info, they'll probably still find it but I'm doing my best to hide it.
I changed ALL the info in my profile. I seriously don't know how they keep finding meh.
That was May when his mother stalked my PrettyThin page & found my blog.
I set it to private for a day but I wasn't gonna accept defeat.
I'm sorry but NO ONE is gonna make meh delete this blog or stop blogging. That's just not happening. This is the only thing that keeps meh sane & they're not taking it away from meh!

So I figured she would be over it by now but I was obviously wrong. All this time she's still been reading my blog. WTF? Is this for serious?! I can't believe she's being such a prick about this.
She hates meh, thinks I'm a nutcase, doesn't want meh in her house & wishes her son wasn't dating meh but she still has time to read my blog?! Does that make any kinda sense? I think not.

I mean I tried to search myself in Google for an hour & couldn't find my blog.
Of course, my PrettyThin info came up a million times but my blog is no where to be found.
Will said they found my Facebook too. I don't care. I don't have anything on there. I barely even use it. And they're been to my PrettyThin page apparently. Ugh, great. I'm an anorexic nutcase now. This is just awesome. Could anything else in my life go wrong?!

I get it, they don't want him with meh. This is killing meh. I know I haven't always been the greatest person to be around or know but I'm not the devil himself. I feel like they're not even giving meh a chance. I don't care if it's the internet. You're invading someones privacy when you deliberately take time to search for their blog & accounts on social networks. What I write in MY blog is MY business. I don't care if it's online, I'm not making threats towards the president so FUCK OFF! I really don't see the big deal. William told meh to stop blogging, like hell, over my cold dead body. They'd like that...I know I don't always say nice things in my blog, I insult him & his family (mostly just him) but I say things outta anger & it's NOT for them to judge.
I can't have my blog set to private b/c I have far too many readers & followers for that.

I don't try to find his family members online. I have better things to do.

It's like I'm a celebrity & they're the paparazzi. Gosh, what more do they want?! A crotch shot of meh getting outta a car?! Too bad, I don't go commando :D

Why Do I Keep Thinking They're A Couple?!

Warning: if you've never seen or heard of Degrassi then this blog post is pointless for you. But read anyway. Maybe I can convince you to join the masses & watch.

My latest obsession: new episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation.
There's this special six week special called the Boiling Point leading up to a big event apparently.
It has meh totally caught up in it.
Degrassi Takes Manhattan was a horrible movie in opinion. Even worst than last years Degrassi Goes Hollywood. I think maybe Canadians should just stay outta America!
No offense to any Canadians, just saying...
It ended in a fucking beach wedding between Emma & Spinner. I mean seriously, they're gonna be a bigger disaster than Emma & Sean. Who the hell gets married to a girl they've never even associated with like a week after breaking up with a girl they've been with 2 years?!

There were parts I liked...
-when Fiona kissed Declan
(twincest) Kay, if he was my brother,I'd kiss him too.
I just thought that part was super hott. I know I'm sick & twisted for that but I'd NEVER kiss my own brother if that counts for anything. He's disgusting to meh, ugh. Don't even get meh started. I like can't even imagine. *cringes* I hate that man.
-when HollyJ locked Fiona is the copy room.
No one does evil like HollyJ but I must admit. Fiona is seriously creepy about her brother. I mean she sticks to him like a stamp to an envelope. She's jealous of his girlfriends. I don't think she was even drunk when she kissed him. I think she really wanted to kiss her brother & being drunk was the best excuse you can use in that situation.-when Spinner punched Declan in the face.
I was like DAYUM! That looked painful. Declan was holding a plate of food. The way it flew up was magic!
Kay, best part...
-when HollyJ ran into Jay Manuel going to the first day of her internship. It would have been so much better if Tyra was with him but I'll settle for what I can get.

Then there are the actual episodes...
I have some serious issues b/c I was thrilled that Fiona was getting abused by her boyfriend, Bobby. I don't know.
He threw her down the steps, she flipped like a pancake 3 times before landing. The first time I saw that I was like "no way! he did not just do that!" Then I was like "DO IT AGAIN!" I tried to show my mother but she wouldn't watch b/c she doesn't like violence. I'm like it's just a television show, it's not even real.

Oh, and he tried to have sex with her & when she didn't want to her punched her in the face. So she has a bruise on her eye but she does her makeup to "enhance" it so it looks like Bobby has given her this horrible black eye. I mean he did punch her in the face but it wasn't that bad...And she posts it to Twitter! Haha. Guess what?! There's a real Twitter page for this imaginary Degrassi character. LOOK! http://twitter.com/FifiCoyne

Grr. it's 8am & I haven't slept. I'm tired.
So here are photos of my two favorite characters.I know there are other folks in the show but they don't matter. Declan & Fiona ♥ I know they're brother & sister but they should totally be dating like maybe one is adopted but then they wouldn't be twins....
Wow. This is why I'm in therapy.

Oops. There Goes My Knife

My mother dragged meh to the grocery store a few hours ago. It was 11 at night. It's now 4am.
It is literally burning in our apartment.If there is a Hell I've felt the burn & I'm going to do my best to stay outta it. It's 99 degrees inside my unit. The thermometer on the wall says so :p
My mother was so hot that she had to have ice cream. She claimed it would cool her off. I kept telling her to just suck it up & stop being a big baby. We were homeless in 20 degree weather. Neither are a walk in a park but things like this you get over.

Seeing as how it was a Friday night in the "ghetto" & the grocery store is 3 blocks away I had to walk with her. I got dressed b/c it's been so hot I haven't worn clothes at home in 2 weeks. I'm beginning to act even poorer than I am. Our house is getting really shit. There are flies & mosquitoes everywhere. They're sucking all the blood outta meh like fucking vampires. The kitchen smells like rotten eggs & fart for no reason. We can't figure out where the smell is coming from. She sprayed disinfectant spray but the smell won't go away. It's been stinking up the joint since we got back at 12:30am.

We spent over an hour in the grocery store. It was a relief to be someone with actual cold air. I even stepped into one of the freezers in the frozen counter.I would have stayed there til I was covered in ice-sicles but we had to leave. My mother originally only went for ice cream. She bought that & 30 other items of liquids, microwave dinners & random taco shells even tho we don't have not one ingredient to make tacos. I was like wtf are u gonna do with those? She said I don't know.I'll figure something out. By the time we were ready to leave we each had about 30 items. We sometimes forget we don't have transportation that we're walking & buy more than anyone on foot should. I always take my reusable shopping bags, the Eco friendly ones that save the environment. I had two & luckily all my so called groceries were able to fit into the bags. She was not so lucky. Her groceries took up 4 bags & b/c she's a little old lady I had to tote one of them.

Here's the point of this blog.I thought I would share. Since we were going to be walking at night in a not so nice neighborhood my mother gave meh a small kitchen knife (the type with the brown handle & sharp blade used to cut meat & whatnot) to carry in case someone attacked us. You can't be too careful these days. I don't worry but she's very cautious. You don't mess with meh & my mother when we're holding knives or any sharp objects. So I put the knife into my backpack, the new hoodie bag I bought from Journey's that converts into a messenger bag too so I can wear it over my shoulders. I put it in the area where normally you'd put your hands in your hoodie's pockets if you got cold. We went to the U-Scan (self checkout) in the grocery store b/c when 9pm comes they have like no workers, only one monitoring activity at the U-Scan.All the checkout lanes were closed & only 4 of the 8 self checkout stations were opened. When I went to get my Kroger plus card outta my wallet which was in my backpack (it's a card that takes discounts off certain products if they're on sale. We saved $15 with tonight's order) the knife fell out of my backpack onto the floor & made a scratching noise. There were these people standing around waiting for their turn, a short fat lady & her chubby ass son who totally needs to go to fat camp gave meh an odd look. When I noticed it dropped, it took meh a minute I quickly picked it up & threw it into the cart. I tried to play it off but I know I looked like such a freak with a knife falling outta my tote in a grocery store at 12am. My mother was away at the moment getting another can of beans b/c I noticed that they original can she picked up was bent. She seriously hates bent cans. Ugh, that was definitely the highlight of my day. I should have starting shaking it at people saying "gimme all your money!"

Friday, July 23, 2010

I Told Her To Shut Up!

I saw my therapist, Nike this morning.
She made some valid points again.
She told basically told meh that I should give up on William b/c obviously our relationship isn't going to go anywhere in the end. Completely true.
You'd have to be just retarded to not realize it.
A girl called meh stupid last night b/c I stay with William no matter what he does to meh. I denied it but she's really was right.

Nike told meh to just act like he doesn't exist. Basically do the same thing I've been doing for the past two weeks.Don't call him first, don't ask to hang out with him, don't text him (thur Yahoo IM) first & don't be so unavailable if he wants to hang out. If he wants to be with meh then he's gonna have to put some effort into it. I doubt he'd do that. She said that don't hold out hope for our relationship going anywhere. She said I didn't have to decide today or anytime soon to let go of him but I definitely need to realize he's not good for meh.

He's met the most awesome girl in the world. Teneasha so now I matter even less. She's a tomboy apparently. I thought I was a freaking tomboy. Ugh, it's whatever. I don't know why I'm so jealous of that girl. Maybe b/c my boyfriend would rather spend time with her than meh. I mean I know nothing is going to happen but it still bothers meh.

He called meh while I was writing this blog. He was like I love you. You really are a great girlfriend. You do ALOT to make meh happy. Even tho you're psycho most times I know you'll always be there for meh & you're never gonna cheat on meh. That's why I keep you around. (keep meh around? NO, I keep him around, I really do) Ugh, that was far too nice to come outta his mouth. I wanted to ask him if he was drunk but he gets mad when I do that. I just noticed he's only nice & chill to meh when he's drunk. If I could always have him wasted he'd be a perfect boyfriend, well semi perfect. Alcohol breathe is just yucky.

She always threatened to stop treating meh if I don't frequently take my medicine. I was like no! You can't do that.I'll jump off a bridge. She was like Brittanie! I'm like I'm kidding but I'd totally be sad. She asked what did I get outta coming to see her. I said, seriously? I don't know. I only come here b/c I think you're pretty. I'm like "oh no, that's my real reason" I'm such a creep right? But seriously, I can't believe she's thinking about not treating meh anymore.I knew the evil doctor was gonna crub off on her. She said she's been having talks with Dr.Jindau. That old lady is out to ruin my life. What did I ever do to her?! Nike said she's just worried about meh. No she's not! Nothing is going to happen to meh. I'm like SuperGirl. I can't believe they're doing this to meh. This is so unfair! Why is everyone trying to change meh?!

Towards the end of the session. I got really annoyed with what she was telling meh & told her to shut up. It was like word vomit. It came out of nowhere. I didn't even realized it til she got silent & was like "Brittanie, did u just tell meh to shut up?!" I was like "omg, I did. I'm so sorry" She made this sad look on her face & gave meh puppy dog eyes. It was so adorable. I was like awww,are u gonna cry?! She's like no,I'm not gonna cry! Then we both burst into laughter then walked outta her office. In the hallway she was like "I'm gonna tell you I'm secret"
I'm thinking what kinda secret could you possibly tell meh?!
She told meh that if I don't let William have control over meh then everything will get better.I'm like dude, that's hard! But I'm going to try.

I Told Her To Shut Up!

I saw my therapist, Nike this morning.
She made some valid points again.
She told basically told meh that I should give up on William b/c obviously our relationship isn't going to go anywhere in the end. Completely true.
You'd have to be just retarded to not realize it.
A girl called meh stupid last night b/c I stay with William no matter what he does to meh. I denied it but she's really was right.

Nike told meh to just act like he doesn't exist. Basically do the same thing I've been doing for the past two weeks.Don't call him first, don't ask to hang out with him, don't text him (thur Yahoo IM) first & don't be so unavailable if he wants to hang out. If he wants to be with meh then he's gonna have to put some effort into it. I doubt he'd do that. She said that don't hold out hope for our relationship going anywhere. She said I didn't have to decide today or anytime soon to let go of him but I definitely need to realize he's not good for meh.

He's met the most awesome girl in the world. Teneasha so now I matter even less. She's a tomboy apparently. I thought I was a freaking tomboy. Ugh, it's whatever. I don't know why I'm so jealous of that girl. Maybe b/c my boyfriend would rather spend time with her than meh. I mean I know nothing is going to happen but it still bothers meh.

He called meh while I was writing this blog. He was like I love you. You really are a great girlfriend. You do ALOT to make meh happy. Even tho you're psycho most times I know you'll always be there for meh & you're never gonna cheat on meh. That's why I keep you around. (keep meh around? NO, I keep him around, I really do) Ugh, that was far too nice to come outta his mouth. I wanted to ask him if he was drunk but he gets mad when I do that. I just noticed he's only nice & chill to meh when he's drunk. If I could always have him wasted he'd be a perfect boyfriend, well semi perfect. Alcohol breathe is just yucky.

She always threatened to stop treating meh if I don't frequently take my medicine. I was like no! You can't do that.I'll jump off a bridge. She was like Brittanie! I'm like I'm kidding but I'd totally be sad. She asked what did I get outta coming to see her. I said, seriously? I don't know. I only come here b/c I think you're pretty. I'm like "oh no, that's my real reason" I'm such a creep right? But seriously, I can't believe she's thinking about not treating meh anymore.I knew the evil doctor was gonna crub off on her. She said she's been having talks with Dr.Jindau. That old lady is out to ruin my life. What did I ever do to her?! Nike said she's just worried about meh. No she's not! Nothing is going to happen to meh. I'm like SuperGirl. I can't believe they're doing this to meh. This is so unfair! Why is everyone trying to change meh?!

Towards the end of the session. I got really annoyed with what she was telling meh & told her to shut up. It was like word vomit. It came out of nowhere. I didn't even realized it til she got silent & was like "Brittanie, did u just tell meh to shut up?!" I was like "omg, I did. I'm so sorry" She made this sad look on her face & gave meh puppy dog eyes. It was so adorable. I was like awww,are u gonna cry?! She's like no,I'm not gonna cry! Then we both burst into laughter then walked outta her office. In the hallway she was like "I'm gonna tell you I'm secret"
I'm thinking what kinda secret could you possibly tell meh?!
She told meh that if I don't let William have control over meh then everything will get better.I'm like dude, that's hard! But I'm going to try.

Wow, He Forgot About Meh

I must be the most important girl in the world (sarcasm)
So William said he wanted to see meh Wednesday night, it's 12:30am right now.
We talked on Facebook for 2 hours Tuesday evening. He tells meh he'd come to see meh tonight.
I figured he'd be here around 9 like he always, 9 came & gone.
I watched Hot In Cleveland. That show cheered meh up for an hour. They had an encore presentation so I watched the same episode twice. Betty White's character is really annoying in that show. I know you shouldn't wanna harm an old lady but I wanna strangle her.

Will calls at 12:05am. I'm not expecting a phone call. I'm Googling random things when the phone rings. My mother is expecting a call from my other brother who lives in the country. I rush to the phone to answer it. She screams from the bedroom "who is it?!" I'm like it's not Brian, it's for meh. Will tells meh that he spent the night with Terra (Teneasha is her real name) the girl he met at the park a few weeks ago. That she's so awesome & cool. His exact words. I'm like "dude, are u seriously telling meh you blew meh off for another girl?" He's like no, I didn't. So I ask him when he hung with her b/c I was thinking it was another night but not this one. He's like I'm coming from her place. Really?! Then you fucking blew meh off to hang with another girl.I don't care if they were just working on music & she has a boyfriend. Don't make plans with meh, don't fucking say you wanna see meh. He begged on Facebook to see meh (he just wanted to fuck up meh b/c let's face it, that's all I'm good for apparently) I'm like so hurt right now. This hasn't ever happened. He's blew meh off for plenty of things but NEVER for another girl. Or at least not that I know of. He hangs with other girls all the time I assume BUT he doesn't. And he doesn't even feel bad about it. I actually was looking forward to hanging with him then he does this. I just went crazy. I broke TWO cell phones, threw my Bratz doll collection everywhere, broke the fan & even woke my mother up screaming & smashing things against the wall. She's like "what did William do now?" I told her, she looked annoyed. It was all really retarded.

Here's the thing, he claims he forgot & double booked plans. Whatever. I don't believe him & I'm not going for that but hell yeah, he did forget, about meh b/c I'm not good enough for anything.

I tried so hard to not cry while we were on the phone but after he randomly hung up in my face. I had to shed a couple of tears. It's not healthy to keep these feelings in. I was doing so good. I hadn't cried in almost a week & I haven't cut in over a week. I can't believe I let him bring meh down. I was doing SO GOOD,I mean I was actually proud of myself.

She Almost Killed My Baby! *screams*

I stayed up all Tuesday night b/c I couldn't sleep. I was worried about my baby. I couldn't enjoy sleep when she was in pain. In case you're lost, my baby is my laptop. Her name is PinkBerry & I adore her more than anything in this world. I would be lost without her.

A girl from PrettyThin sent meh a link that contained a virus, a Trojan horse virus. The worst of them all. I didn't figure it out it was a virus til my MSN started crashing every 6 minutes & my internet wouldn't stay online. Like an idiot I clicked the link. It didn't seem harmful & it was 1am. I wasn't thinking. The link contained the words "facebook" in it & before it was the message "is this you in the pic?" I mean I wanted to see if it was meh so I clicked & then it started to download something into a folder on my computer. A page in Mozilla Firefox opened & brought up Myspace.com with a page of random profiles. Then my screen started flashing & my MSN crashed. I was like WTF? That's when I knew something was up. I quickly signed out line & shut down my computer. When I turned it back on, I signed back in to MSN. All these messages from people on my friends list popped up saying the same exact message & they were all asking "what did u send meh?" "what is this?" I was getting buried in messages. Then I figured out that the virus was sending to everyone in my friends list. It had even spread to my Yahoo messenger contact. I received three messages from those contacts too asking the same things. I was freaked out now.

I officially hate that girl. I mean what kinda bitch does that?! Some had the theory that she may have sent meh the virus by mistake like I do to everyone on my contact list but still. That was uncool. I'm not giving her any excuses. It's not the first time something like this has happened either. Last month, I was on MSN on my iPod, not even chatting with her when I received a chat invite from her. MSN joined meh into the group without meh even accepting. There were like 25 other people in it & my iPod froze, all their computer knocked them off MSN. I let that slide & didn't pay it any attention but now it seems like she is intentionally sending these viruses to people. I deleted & blocked her off my friends list. If she wants to talk she can fiind meh on PrettyThin. Oh yeah, be reminded this is the same girl that told meh to get a noose, find a tree and hang myself if I really wanted to be dead. Yeah, it's official. That chick is PURE evil.

Since everyone in my MSN contact list was also getting the message I msged another PrettyThin girl named Hazel for help. She was smart unlike meh & Caiti (another PT girl who had also opened the virus when the msg from meh sent to her) Caiti was like why couldn't we be smart like Hazel who didn't open it. Curiosity killed the fucking cat.I really believe that now. Luckily, Hazel spent all night helping us trying to remove the virus. She gave meh a safe link to download AVG anti spyware/virus program that she already had. I downloaded it. Caiti already had AVG too but the virus had still infected her computer. I wonder if the virus did more damage my to my than hers at that rate! I scanned my computer for 2 hours before it even found ONE threat. That wasn't even the right threat When nothing work Hazel contacted a guy she knew named James. He's studying computers at University so he was an expert apparently. He talked us thur the process to try to remove the virus. Hazel had us all join a chat with him. First he talked Caiti thur the process b/c she has Windows XP, he was familiar with that system. I have the newest revision Windows 7. It was funny b/c he keep calling her "him" & "he" even tho we repeatedly told him she was a female. I'm not sure even her virus was fixed b/c once she system restored her computer she logged off MSN for the night (it was 3am) and she didn't come back. She had to be at work in 6 hour so I could understand how she couldn't stay up like the rest of us.

After her, he proceeded to help meh. Even the computer genius couldn't help. None of his ideas worked either. I tried to system restore my computer 2 times. When it didn't work he suggested that I uninstall AVG then try again. So I did. Two more times, it still did not work after taking 25 minutes each time to supposedly restore. I kept getting the same error message on the screen. By now I had given up most hope. I remembered that my service provider, Comcast who provides our internet & digital cable gives up a free subscription to Norton Anti Virus with service. It's worth $160. Oh yeah, we semi upgraded again so now we're back to digital cable but we still don't have nearly as many channels as we had before.I can't watch Degrassi. Anyhow, I called them & be able to get my account number. I needed it to download Norton off their site. When I got the account number, I realized I also needed my phone number on the acct. Now I've had 3 numbers since having service with Comcast. The bill is in my name even tho my mother pays. When I tried to call them back in 10 minutes they were closed. I was like wtf, I just called. How the hell did they close that fast & it was already 3am. They weren't suppose to be open that late anyway! I really had to get that anti virus program before going to bed. I waited an hour, tried to sleep then I went to the site & connected to tech support thur chat & told them I needed my account info b/c I couldn't sign in to my Comcast email. We've had it over a year & I have no once used that account. The techincian helped meh get into my acct. I downloaded Norton & finally I felt like I was getting somewhere.Now I have this for future attacks & it'll tell meh what site are safe with the green check-mark. This shall prove to be helpful.

It wasn't until 9am that the AVG program picked up the Trojan virus & erased them. Or at least I think they did. My MSN hasn't crashed lately so things should be good.I'm still worried about my internet which is going unusually slow. I spent all night trying to save my PinkBerry from serious damage. I didn't sleep til 10 am & woke up at 7pm. It's 9 right now. Grr, this has been a stressful day. Lesson learned: be careful what links you open online. Note to self: Brittanie, you must learn to be smarter. I'm obviously now the brightest crayon in the box :D

Oh yeah, I don;t know if I should be bothered by this but I lost two followers. My count went from 66 to 64 since yesterday. WTF? Did I do something wrong? Is my blog not anorexic enough? It isn't at all. Is there not enough drama these days?
I'm just thinking that maybe the unfollowed meh b/c I didn't follow them. I tried to find everyone & follow them also but I lose track lately. It wasn't my intention. If you're following meh & I'm not on your list then send meh a message & let meh know (:

Try To Break Meh Down, It Might Only Make Meh Stronger

Wow, I've been in a good mood since Saturday morning & nothing has been able to bring meh down It's not 4am on Tuesday. I just finished an hour & a half long convo with William. He sounded pretty wasted to meh but he promised he was just really tired. I don't know.He's always like this. He randomly called meh. I'm sitting in the living room when the phone rings. I saw the green lights flashing. I scrambled to get it before my mother heard. The 2nd time he called, she heard & asked if it was my brother. Yeah, b/c jail is gonna let him call us at 2am! I hadn't talked to William since Saturday morning. It's amazing how great I feel when he's not around or we have no communication. It's official. That boy is my trigger. Not anymore tho.

It annoys meh with his slurred speech and complete disregard for the things he says. It's even worst when he's like this tired/drunk.Not sure. But everything is totally word vomit.
For once, he couldn't bring meh down. I feel SO proud of myself right now.I might cry but it won't be from sadness :) Seriously, I'm smiling right now & just..I don't know but this is a great feeling. I didn't let him get to meh. No matter what he rambled off I just said "yeah" & "okayy" or "thank you" if it was an insult of some sort. I told him how I feel & not once did I shed a tear.

He called meh a prude. You know, that doesn't hurt at all. He could do better than that. You can't insult someone with something they are. Nothing wrong with being a prude 7 it's not the first time.My friends voted meh prude on Facebook a couple years ago. I was embarrassed tho b/c like the entire high school saw that label & I couldn't get it off my page for the longest time! So I don't like drinking, smoking or excessive wild sex with strangers or my boyfriend for that matter. Doesn't make meh a bad person. Just makes meh better than 80% of the world in a different way. I have my special quailities.I told him I didn't regret the way I am. That I don't wanna change what he thinks I should. I'm working on my personality & being less "emo" and not letting everything affect meh, especially those online. I'm gonna get thur this. I'm not promising I won't relapse but when something good happens to you, you take it and run. So I'm gonna enjoy this happy state for as long as possible & NO ONE is gonna rain on my parade. Oh gosh. I'm crying happy tears.
I'll end with an excerpt from Demi Lovato's Stronger.
This song got meh thur the hard times these last couple of months.

"And they'll try to speak
Negatively about us,
But they can't say another word
But they'll realize,
Jealousy has taken over their minds
And the words they try
to bring me down withthey all make, us stronger" ;)

So Long Zero, Hello New Doctor

I went to visit my psychiatrist, Dr, Jindau today. I just realized last night that psychiatrist is the correct term for her. I've been calling her a doctor all this time. She is a doctor but she's not the medical type which is what pops into everyone's head when I say "I'm going to see my doctor" She's authorized to prescribe meh pills, a therapist isn't. She can just give meh the referral to get medicine.

Gawd,I fucking hate that lady. She's so fucking annoying.
I swear she's trying to ruin my life. She doesn't help meh at all.
At least Nike makes meh feel better & pretends to be sympathetic (I'm not sure she really is.)
I mean isn't it her job to care? Regardless, I still adore her.

Dr. Jindau is pure evil. She doesn't care. She just bitches about everything. I'm not paying $95 for 15 minutes to listen to her bitch about things. I'm not paying at all but still, that's not her job. She was like "we only get a short amount of taste, let's not waste it" My thoughts exactly.I can make it 5 minutes. I can come in, tell you I'm crazy, you gimme my prescription & I'll be on my way. Solve both of our problems. All she does is attack meh & tell meh that I'm not cooperating. I am! She knows it, she's just too stubborn to admit it. I really do want help. I'm afraid she's going to tell the treatment center that I'm refusing help & they're stop seeing meh. That CANNOT happen. She's told meh she couldn't help meh if I didn't give her insight into my life. I tell her everything I can think of during sessions. I told her about my cutting, that I don't eat for a week sometimes, that I have difficulties with Williams mother & that meh & him don't always get along. She even wrote all that in her notebook & put it into my files.She read it back to meh today.I'm like how can u say I'm not cooperating when you just read back every issue I told you about to meh?! If she doesn't get what I'm saying she needs to go collaborate with Nike. I tell her EVERYTHING, even the awkward things. The doctor is Indian or something, maybe Pakistanian. Hell, I can't tell. They all look alike to meh. She'd be better off running a Dairy Queen. I'm not even sure she understands the English language. And that annoying intolerable accent. I wanna stuff her mouth with a sock. Every time I say something, she goes "what did u say?" So I speak up loudly, like damn, do I have to scream? She's such a dambass. I've never been annoyed with any of those people more than her. I hate going to see her every 3 weeks. It's pointless.I don't even take the medicine that she gives meh. She gave meh sleeping pills, what kinda shitty doctor gives a suicidal girl who's known to OD sleeping pills?!

I got so irritated at her today. I almost screamed at her. She wanted to talk about my minor overdose. I'm like "what of it? It happened. I'm still alive. Let's not bring up the past"She goes to say it's very dangerous & whatnot. I could go into cardiac arrest, no that would be from my anorexic & that I should be careful or some shit. It wasn't anything new. I knew all that at age 10. No shit Sherlock. I've been occasionally pill popping since 16. I'm not like a hardcore druggie. Most of the times I can't even remember to take them so meh being so depressed that I took 10 is a milestone. I started to get sarcastic "you always say you want meh to take the pills, aren't you happy I finally did?!" She gave meh this stoic look. Gosh, take a joke lady.She told meh I should be taking the pills consistently b/c they could have negative effects. Tell meh something I DON'T KNOW. I told her it's hard for meh b/c I'm either busy, I forget or I'm always sleep at the times I'm suppose to take them. I told her I would take them whenever I felt like it. She got another attitude, goes "oh really, so you're telling meh that if I prescribe you pills you will take them anything you want no matter what my treatment plan for you is?" I'm like BINGO! That's exactly what I'm saying. She went to college for like 9 years, it should get thur her thick head. By now I was getting really bitchy, rolling my eyes, lalala-ing thur her lecture & acting really unconcerned. Oh wait, that wasn't acting. I really didn't care!

She told meh that she didn't have anything against meh but if I didn't feel that she's helping meh.She would gladly refer meh to another psychiatrist. Nike suggested that over a month ago but I declined. I'm too nice. Even tho she's a bitch to meh I didn't want the doctor to think that I didn't like her.It's not that I don't like her.It's that she's really annoying to meh. We can't get along. She's not annoying to everyone. Her & Nike have civilized conversations apparently but that could be b/c they're colleagues. All we do is argue. I just figured if all of the sudden I started seeing a new doctor she would be offended that I just ditched her. It's happened before. A few years ago I changed therapist b/c the man only made meh feel horrible about myself. He used to tell meh that I wasn't passing school b/c I was so ignorant. So I switched a woman named Solange, like Beyonce's little sister. One time I was going into her office for session when I saw my former therapist walking past.I dropped my head to avoid him. It was too awkward. He actually confronted meh "I hope you're happy with Solange" I didn't say anything.

Anyhow, I asked how many other psychiatrist there were? She said two more, a female & a male. I kinda wanna see a man. Woman are too bitchy. So she wrote a note on the bottom of my bill for meh to get a second opinion with another doctor. What the hell?! What second opinion? I am NOT dying. I didn't need her first opinion. She obviously doesn't know what's going on. When I handed the bill to the receptionist at the desk, she scheduled meh an appointment to see Dr.Fadia on Thursday. Fucking Fadia? Another doctor with a hella gay name. I've seen her around the office. She's short, thin, young about 30 & has dark black hair cut into a bob & she's Indian looking too. Just from her looks I can tell I'm going to adore her. She seems nice. Even if she's a bitch at least I'll have eye candy to look at. Plus how can someone who's thin be mean?! Dr. Jindau isn't fat but she's not thin either. She's kinda in between but bordering fat. She has the crustiest feet ever & her ankles are almost the size of my thighs. It's disgusting. No wonder she's so miserable. I told her I would go to pick up my medicine after I left the office.I actually did. It's sitting on my dresser right now.I won't be taking it anytime soon.

I had to go to this special pharmacy b/c I'm on a patient assistant. I can't just go to any regular drugstore like CVS. This pharmacy wasn't what I expected. It's way nice. I walked into the actually pharmacy & it looked like a candy store with all kinds of candies, junk & soda pop. I was like "wow, this shit is rad!" It's in a giant Sky Scrapper building next to the hospital that runs my mental health center. It's on the 8th floor. When I stepped off the elevator. I looked out in huge windows into the sky & oversaw the rest of the town. The nice part of town b/c that's where I was. I had to wait 20 minutes from my meds. On the television was Atlanta & Company. It's a really pointless show about people in my city. They were discussing one of the hosts, Christine and her pregnancy about how they were going to follow her progress thur the next 7 months. What progress?! It's a baby. It's not that hard. It annoyed meh so I turned up the volume on my iPod & watched videos til they called meh. I had to pay $4 for my sleeping pills but the anti depressants for my bipolar were covered.

I also went to the mall today.I know right. It shocked meh too. My mother took meh. Last week she bought a pair of pants that didn't fit at this store called Jimmy Jazz's http://www.jimmyjazz.com/ I'm promoting their crappy store. I don't like it but I did find the cutest outfit & I will post pictures just as soon as I get my new camera. I'm hoping by the end of this week. Most of the clothes were the type that I don't wear. You'll see them in popular rap/hop-hop music videos I promise. I'm more of a punk rock girl. Anyhow, since the pants didn't fit she returned them but they would only give her store credit. They don't give refunds. I found a tank top & skinny jeans for a total of $25. Guess what color they were? I was super pissed when I tried on a pair of 0 sized jeans. They didn't fit. I was bummed and started screaming in the dressing room. I wear a size 1 now apparently. Eww, riding the obesity train right to KFC now :( My thighs are getting big from sex. That's my theory. So I had to settle for a 3. Now before you start thinking I've gained that much weight, they aren't a perfect fit. There were no 1's or 2's were available. I have room in the 3's but the way the clothes are made at that particular store they fit just enough but I have space in the thighs & butt area. Let's make this clear. I am a size ONE, nothing more. Just b/c I have a pair of 3 jeans doesn't make meh a fat ass. Oh great, now I won't be anyone's thinspo! Fuck it. I have to go on an extreme diet & stop stuffing my face. I fasted & lost weight but obviously not enough that I can't fit into zeros! The black skinny jeans I'm always wearing are a size 1. So I still am a one but a few weeks ago I could fit into zeros too. I have a pair of expensive designer jeans in my closet. They're a zero, I use them to lose weight when I'm fattening up. FML. I hate myself right now. Fuck at this rate, I'll have to change my goal weight back to 90lbs. I thought 95 would be good enough. Nothing is ever good enough when you're in the life of Brittanie Franklin =/

Oh yeah. I went to Journey's too. I spent my own money. $25 dollars on a 6 packs of mix matched socks. Not one of the pairs match & they did it on purpose. The socks were $12 fucking dollars. No wonder. I almost bought a pack on sale but they were 3pk for $6. They were ugly. bright neon colored that was painful & thick. My mother said they were from Winter which is why they were on sale!I bought a hoodie tote too, the bag was on sale. It's so cute. I'll try to post pictures of it also. It can either be worn as a messenger bag or you can convert the sleeves & turn it into a backpack. It looks just like a hoodie with an actual hood, zipper & drawstrings. It's hard to explain & I know you're probably trying to figure this out. It's as odd as you are thinking it is.

Sliced Up Insides

Grr, I don't usually bitch about my weight like most anorexics but I feel like a totally fat ass lately. I'm seriously bloated. I'm developing fat rolls from slouching so much.My tummy is fattening up like Chunk from The Goonies. This is so unattractive. In my head, there's no excuse for being fat around the bell area except for if you are pregnant & after the baby. You have to lose the weight within a year or it's just a sad sight to see.

Plus it feels like a razor blade is lodged inside my throat.I have to constantly keep drinking something or it closes up & I start wheezing for breath. When I swallow, my throat like pulsates & it feels like a needle is being stuck into the back of it where my tonsils use to be. This is the most uncomfortable feeling ever. This is worst than being chocked on penis O.o

Boo, I'm going to see to my doctor tomorrow at 8:45 am. So I have to leave my home at 7:15 to get there in an hour. I guess I shouldn't stay up til 5 am this morning. I called Nike,my therapist & she told my doctor that I kinda OD-ed on my anti depressants. Now they're gonna be monitoring my activity & behavior every time I come in. Oh great. You're a smart on Brittanie.

Kay, right now my mother is being highly annoying. She's attempting to comb her hair & all she's doing is howling, moaning & screaming b/c it's so kinky/nappy. You know how black people have bad hair? She has a shitload of it & it's only straight when she flat irons it. Right now it's bushy & all over the place.

This Really Feels Like The End....

OMG, I'm falling apart, bit by bit every little moment.
So I was talking to this chick on Skype from PrettyThin.
She basically called meh rude & inconsiderate.
Wtf? Why the hell is she talking to meh then? She said my ignorance is amusing to her.
I will admit some of the things I say are a bit crazy but it's never my intention to hurt anyone.
Sometimes I just get jealous & bitter. I know jealousy is an ugly thing but who doesn't get jealous?! I can't help the way I feel.
I don't get how everyone wants to hurt meh all of the sudden.
I swear the entire world is against meh. I just wanna know why everyone hates meh so fucking much, like seriously? When did I become the most horrible girl on Earth? No one bothered to tell meh either. I'm feeling like a total bag of shit right now. Even his parents hate meh. It's like killing them to know he's with such a pathetic excuse of a human being. I mean do I even qualify as one? I'm this useless ball of matter or a bubble that someone should just burst. I wanna take that girls suggestion & hang myself. If I'm this horrible how can I possibly deserve to live? Will told meh I'll live to be really old b/c evil people never die. By that logic he'll fucking live to be 300 years old. All this time I'm thinking I'm a nice & down to earth when apparently, I'm some rude ass brat who never says anything worth while & I should just kill myself & get it all over with.

Will called meh an hour ago. I was already holding back the tears from all the girl had told meh, then he called.I heard his voice. He sounded so mean, he started to talk. I actually asked him did u just call to insult meh? He said yeah. I was doing so good. I hadn't cried or cut in a whole day. If you're like him then you'll say that's nothing b/c he laughed, he fucking laughed like it's funny. I tried to defend myself but I couldn't. I'm just a joke to him. I could bleed to death in a puddle of my own blood & it wouldn't affect him. He just doesn't fucking get it & it's tearing meh up inside. And the outside for that matter. I haven't cut this much since I was 13. All he is saying is "whatever" no matter what I say. I'm trying SO hard to make him understand what I'm going thur lately but he just doesn't seem to care. It's not getting thur to him. He thinks I'm faking this entire thing, that this is an act. He told meh to "stop acting emo" I'm not acting. He's like "so stop being emo" OMG, I wish, I just wish it was that easy.I would love to turn off how I'm feeling but I can't & sooner than later my behavior is gonna push him away. I think that's the one thing I worry about. I'm not gonna be able to keep him the way I am. I don't wanna be like this but I can't make it go away. Why would I fake this?! He told meh that I need to get over whatever it is I'm dealing with, I'm not the only one with problems & the world doesn't revolve meh.I can't always be the center of attention. I'm not trying to be the center of attention. I'm sorry I'm wrong to think my boyfriend would care that for the past two weeks I'm going thur the most horrible time I've gone thur in 5 years. The last time I was like this I was single & honestly that made it alot more simple. You'd think it would be easier having someone who is supposedly by youtself be there for you BUT he just thinks I'm crying & cutting for attention, his attention. I'm like don't delude yourself, of course I care if my cutting gets your attention but don't you dare think I'm doing this solely for you. I cut long before he was in my life. He just jokes about everything that's in my life. The fact that I don't have any friends anymore but Carlisa & our friendship is hanging on by a thin thread too. He's like you've never had friends b/c you're so creepy. Are u kidding meh?! He doesn't realize the things he says are slowly killing meh, it's bad enough having strangers online be mean to meh but my fucking boyfriend. I told him that he hasn't always known meh. He wasn't around when I had tons of friends, when people actually liked meh before I fucked up & scared away everyone.I wasn't always this lonely. He told meh to name one friend I use to have.I named 4 then he goes on like I'm making up imaginary friends. He acts like he knows meh, like he really knows meh, like he's in my head & he gets what I go thur. He doesn't, no one does. My mother doesn't. She actually said the same thing as him, sorta"can't you pretend to be happy?" NO! If I could I wouldn't be sitting here crying my eyes out getting tears all over my laptop. He told meh that he tries to be nice to meh but then I get all "emo" & I ruin everything. He told meh I ruin everything, I was like seriously? How could u say that?! I'm not ruining anything! He acts like his life would be perfect without meh? Like I'm doing something wrong. He's the one who has the fucked up girlfriend & he just sits back watching meh breakdown like my life is fucking movie. I cried on the phone for 30 mintues & not once did he care. He said that way I am makes it hard for him to be there for someone.So when I'm crying & slitting my wrist, it's easier for him to just insult meh more, b/c everyone else in the world is throwing daggers at meh that makes it okay for him to throw them to? Yeah, very smart. Kick a girl when she's down. That's very fucking manly of him.

I feel like NOT one person on Earth gets what I'm going thur right now. I know, I sound like such a brat but this is my fucking blog, the one place I can rant & no one can say anything. Got a problem with it? Fuck off. I'm sorry I'm not little miss perfect. The way they're expecting meh to be is like telling a blind person to see. You can tell em but that isn't gonna make them actually see. You can't change some things. Believe meh, I don't like the way I am. I don't like that I'm always crying, I'm always bitching, I'm always bitter & jealous of other girls, I'm needy, I feel like I always have to have Will around. I don't like anything about myself. I haven't eaten in a week & my tummy is cramping up to the point where it's putting pressure on my chest. I don't wanna eat, I wanna starve til my heart finally stops.I don't see a way out of this. I just don't get what's wrong with meh. Will asked if I was on my period. I actually am BUT that's not it b/c I've been feeling this way for a while. Plus, believe it or not I'm not one to get all emotional on my period.It's the other 25 days a month that have meh in a bitchy mood. Ugh, fuck fuck fuck it.My fucking head is killing meh but at least the tears have stopped.I'm sure I missed a shitload of details but you get the gist. Lately I'm too shaken up to even thinking straight. I fail at everything, even my blog :(

So I'm A Rapist?

I seriously just got the most entertainment I've had in months from a girl online, who's 14! Really? If she's so paranoid about the internet she shouldn't be on any kinda social site. When I was 14, I had no online accounts. Just my email.
I was laughing out loud the entire time & my mother was like "what's wrong with you?"
Here's what happened. I was on PrettyThin, like I always am.I commented on a photo of a super skinny model with the most gorgeous hipbones. My comment was "that's hott (:"

This is the photo. I did a screen capture & cropped the photo. Don't ask questions, just read.

The poster of the photo replies...Sydiva: I know right?? Add meh
Meh: You can add meh I have a really big ego on here so I refuse to add anyone but I'm totally nice, we can chat if you do
Sydiva: ya no sorry cause that just screams rapist cause if i add u and then it ends up u are a rapist and we go to court than u have the upper hand to say well the young lady added me......so sorry
Meh: Wow, how random was that?! I'm a lot of things, rapist isn't one of them.
Young lady?! I'm a young lady too. Hmm, you're paranoid about the internet I'm guessing =/
Sydiva: well when someone says that to me.....yes
Meh: Really?! Have u NOT seen meh around?!
I'm not a creep, I don't like little girls. I have 780+ friends.I didn't request any of them except maybe 20. Are u thinking I'm a pedo now? I'm kinda offended o.O
Sydiva: No i just dont like ppl who are so egotistic so yea
Meh: I'm not egotistic, at all. I don't even love myself. All I ever hear is I'm "down to earth" except from my mother and boyfriend, they say I'm a spoiled stuck up brat which is totally untrue. Grr, this is like really retarded.

Kay, are u fucking kidding meh? Did I just get accused of being a rapist b/c I said I wouldn't send her a friend request? It's nothing personal. The entire site is aware of that. I tell people that all the time. Here's what I think? If someone requests meh, they're more likely to actually talk to meh. That's been my experience so far. I use to request people but they never talked so I found that pointless.Sure I have a shitload of friends but I promise I wanna talk to every single last one of them. I'm not egotistic or anything. I don't even love myself but I will admit. Being so popular online gives meh the big head. Still, that's no reason to jump to such a retarded conclusion. I went to her profile, that's when I saw her age. I'm like "oh no wonder she's being this way" I was skeptical of people online too until I was 18. But really, meh, a rapist.I don't even like sex with guys! And she seemed to be taking it very seriously, court? OMG, I've been to court before, to support my brother. Gah! Little kids make meh laugh :D

Oh just in case, you don't believe meh, you can refer to the photo itself. I just hope she doesn't delete the comments. I need proof http://www.prettythin.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=90866856

Mission Impossible: Get A Job

Wills plan for meh to get a job is looking like a really great idea right now.
I just wish it was that easy. I want a job. I should have a job. See, my logic sucks. This is why I don't have a job.
It's 8pm, I just got home.
I was all hot & sweaty from walking in the sun all day.
My clothes were literally stuck to my skin. It was gross. I really didn't wanna be all wet & sticky til I dried so I took my clothes off &jumped in the shower. I'm just about to get out, washing all the soap off myself when my mother bursts into the bathroom screaming at meh. She just stood there screaming at meh thur the shower curtain. She's like didn't I tell you not to take a shower?! You're not suppose to be in there. Get out right now" I'm shaking in the shower by now. Excuse meh for thinking I could take a shower where I live. I mean I know I don't pay rent but gosh, water privileges are being restricted now too? This is ridiculous. I get out, she's standing there screaming" wash the bathtub, now" I'm like I will, gimme meh time. She's like I told you not to take a shower, I will NEVER forgive you for this" Kay, honest to GOD I don't remember her telling meh that this morning. I didn't even wake up til 3pm then I left for job hunting. She claims she told meh while I was sleeping. No shit, sherlock. No wonder I have no memory of that. That's like talking to meh while I'm blasting my iPod. I am so annoyed right now.

I have to get a job, like by the end of the year. I can't live here much longer.
I already had my psycho ass mother harassing meh, now I have Williams mother & mine has started again. This is too much. I've been thinking about how much I need this since last night when Will called meh to tell meh it would really make him happy if I got a job. That would make my life so much easier. All I need to do is pay rent, electricity & wi-fi. I don't need cable or food. This could work. Ugh, Will is so right. I need to try harder. I'm getting in trouble for showering here. My life is so hard. Will is like it's easy to get a job. We obviously live on two different planets.

Not Even SuperGlue Could Fix Meh

I think I'm broken. I don't know what's wrong with meh but lately all I'm doing is crying & cutting. When it started a couple days ago I thought it was just a fluke like it was going to go away. But it's been almost a week. It's not going away. I don't know what's wrong. I really want this feeling to stop. It's making meh miserable. I can't tell what's the cause of it either. Is it just meh or my relationship or the fact that my life is going nowhere. I just want it all to STOP. I haven't felt like this since, well I can't remember when. That's how long it's been. I've been up all night crying for the past 5 days & slitting my wrist in the middle of the day. There's no more room on my wrist. I'm going to have to move to another part of my body.

For the first time I'm seriously starting to feel like William is what's causing this.
Like if I have him out of my life, I won't feel this way anymore. It's starting to seem like a real good idea. It's all really confusing. I love him so much & I don't wanna lose him but it's not fair how he makes meh feel. I thought things were getting better, they did for about a week but it's just not working out.
I can't wait for therapy. I'm thinking about asking her to admit meh into the mental hospital again. I need to go before I hurt myself out here. I need to be some place where there are no triggers. My laptop & the internet is the root of all evil. It's gonna be the death of meh yet. I don't even wanna sleep all day. It makes meh feel so useless like my bed use to the be the other place I was safe & now I'm having nightmares. I don't even wanna stay in bed all day.I can't believe that my life is breaking down in front of meh. More like I'm breaking down in front of it. It's fucking 5am & I'm up blogging. This is so wrong. How is this happening to meh?! I can't deal with this anymore. I want things to go right so bad & now I'm coming to accept that they're not b/c I'm never gonna be right myself. I'm hopeless. I can't fucking believe this is...I just don't know...

Btw, this is my 100th post to this blog *throws a mini party* Yayy!!!

The Sun Is My Kryptonite

Will seems to think the reason why I'm always sick & not feeling well is because I don't get enough sunlight. That's bullshit. That's not it. I was born sick.I've always been sick. I spent my childhood in the hospital. I told him I had cramps & didn't feel good. He said I needed to get more sunlight. Yeah, that's what's going to make these sucky cramps better. No, that's called Midol.

Does he have any idea what the sun does to meh? It literally drains meh. I'm like a vampire. If I spend too long in the sun, my skin starts to blister, really badly which is why I always wear hats, hoodies, long sleeves & make sure none of my skin comes in contact with the sun. He's had meh sitting in the sun at the park for like 3 weeks. I've gotten enough sunlight. I just sit there while sweat drips off meh then I get all hot & sticky. It's seriously gross.

Ugh, I'm a vampire. I don't like the sunlight. It doesn't like meh. It literally burns. One time, my hair started smoking while standing at the bus stop after school. Everyone was like "wtf is wrong with you?!" It wasn't on fire.It was just smoking. How odd is that? Last summer, I tried to be normal & not wear long sleeves. My skin broke out in this rash then started peeling off. I was freaking shedding. That was not normal.

I hate how he feels about meh always being sick. Maybe it's all in my head but I seriously never feel good.I don't know what's wrong with meh. I'm dying.....

Hell & High Water,All For Chicken

I am so annoyed right now.
I just got soaked in the the rain for a fucking chicken sandwich, that I didn't even want.
And I'm not even going to eat it. I'm not hungry.
She's such a fat ass. She always wants to eat now. I remember when she use to fast for like 2 weeks at a time & restrict food from meh b/c we had to make a weeks supply of food last for two weeks or we would have starved for an entire month. I always tell her, you ate yesterday. No one needs to eat two days in a row! I feel really horrible if I eat two days in a row.
Anyhow, she got back from the hospital around 4pm.
I had just woke up at 2pm when the raindrops started to knock against my bedroom window. They shocked meh so much that I got up out of bed. It was quite disturbing.

She came back saying she was hungry. She talked about that damn chicken sandwich she's eating right now all night. It was so annoying. I'm like shut the fuck up about that goddamn chicken sandwich. She asked meh to walk down the street with her five times before I finally said okay. She obviously wasn't going to stop asking. Using the ignoring technique on her does not work. When we were getting ready to leave, she's like I don't have any money, you're gonna have to use your card. Really? That pissed meh off. I had to buy the food I didn't even want. I don't like to spend my money on food.It's just digested & shit out the next day. What a waste? I have better things to buy like clothes. My skinny jeans are falling off meh. Every penny is needed. Shopping is not cheap. Not even at Wal-Mart which is where I'm planning on going.
It had been raining all afternoon.

As we headed out of the door it started to rain again. I was wearing a thin light gray hoodie, black skinny jeans, a black newspaper boy hat & my white/pink Harajuku Lover sneakers. They hurt my feet so I rarely wear em. I only bought em b/c I wanted something from Gwen's cheaper line. They come in handy when it rains. They're like platforms & not the type of material like Converse & Vans. My feet don't get wet unless I step in a puddle of water up to my ankles, which did happen today.I never get home without stepping in at least one mutant puddle. We were only like 5 steps away from walking out of our gate when the rain started to pour. My "aunt flo" (that's a term for my monthly cycle) came to visit right after I woke up. I have pads but only a few left so I figured I'd buy more since she was making meh leave the house. Even tho my period will be done in 3 days I bet. By the time we got to the grocery store I was soaked like completely wet. My hoodie was now dark gray, my jeans were so wet they were literally sticking my legs & water was dripping off the brim of my hat into my face. The store was freezing & I had to stand in line for 15 minutes to buy on item b/c fat asses had carts full of food. Why the hell do people eat too much. There's only 7 days in a week, you can only eat so much before you fucking explode. I went to the self checkout lines & paid with a $5 bill.

Finally, we made it to Church's chicken. In there she ordered two sandwiches.I'm like "wtf, are u doing? I don't want one" I paid with my credit card & signed the receipt. I was like rolling my eyes at the pieces of chicken behind the counter.

It gets worst, after coming out of Church's chicken, we went to the gas station across the street. Mother wanted a bag of potatoes chips to go with her sandwich. In there was really big, tall dude who literally grabbed my arm as I was leaving. I was listening to my iPod. He was trying to get my attention & he asked meh something but I had no idea what he said. He was still holding my arm. I took out one earbud & said "what?" twice. He said never mind & let go. That was hella awkward. When I got home I had gotten a full shower. My bra, undies & everything else was wet. I'm wearing a towel around my head right now b/c water is still dripping out. All this for food! Ugh fuck it. I don't even wanna blog anymore. I'm broken. My thoughts aren't coming.

Wtf? That's Not Suppose To Happen

I had the craziest dream last night.
It's just my mind playing tricks on meh. Of course, I'm not worried at all but it seemed so real.
Like everything was clear & not over exaggerated like it could have been actual life.
It really got to meh in my dreams. I woke up sweating & freaking out.

In my dream William had a "date" with Kaeh. They were just going to hang out as friends but I knew for a fact that that wasn't her intention. They were going to the movies. He wouldn't tell meh what theater. That's what worried meh in my dream. A movie theater is dark, things can happen. He told meh not to worry & that he didn't like when I got like this.
I was running around the evening before the date trying to figure out exactly which theater they'd be going to. I was freaking out but I didn't cry like when I worried about them in real life. I told my mother & she start cursing. It was quite comical. She was like "what r we going to do?! I don't trust that little whore" :D
I was online going thur movie listings guessing which one they'd see. I even went into my stash of money & prepared to spend money on a ticket. If they were going, I'd have to be there, keeping an eye on her. That's all I remember.....

That was so weird. They don't even talk anymore. She deleted her Facebook completely there's no trace of it & I deleted her off his Myspace when I hacked his account. Didn't really
"hack" I simply just saved his password on my computer. That was his fault for being careless & not paying attention when he knows he has a psycho girlfriend. So the only thing I wonder is why I'm having this dream? It's two months later almost. That was forever ago. He doesn't even mention her anymore. Maybe my mind just used her as an example for all the other girls I worry about William being with. I really focus on that. It's like he gets to meh & so does his mother. My mind is seriously screwed up. This could be a result of sleeping at 5am for the past 5 days.

You Should Just Hang Yourself....

Well I had a breakdown earlier in the day. It was around 3pm.
I really don't wanna get into details about it.
Let's just say I'm easily triggered even if the people are strangers online.
I spend 30 minutes crying while slitting my wrist, both of them.
My left wrist got full with cuts so I went to my right arm. Brings back memories. That's the arm I started cutting over when I was just a little girl, 13 years old. It was never an attempt at suicide like everyone thinks.I know to not cut the wrong veins, I actually stay away from those areas.
Before I cut, I called William but he was busy, he took forever to answer the phone, when he did he was laughing his ass off, literally. So I hung up. Laughter for some reason was the last thing I needed to hear. So then I texted him thur Yahoo IM.
He's like baby I'm busy. I'm like "this is what I mean,you're never there when I really need you" So that was another trigger.

I was on MSN chatting with some girls from PrettyThin. I admit, I was being too "emo" but they were just being mean. One suggested I hang myself with a noose from a tree, that was NOT what I needed to hear. I don't wanna hang myself. I just found that really mean.

Whatever, I'm immature but some people are just bitches XD
I've lost so much interest in life I don't even wanna blog.

Fuck Her, Feed Her XD

Well that was the highlight of my day. That's what Williams mother told him with meh standing there.

I'm finally back home. After spending 3 days & 4 nights with William.
I got back home today at 5:30, it was almost dinner time but of course I didn't eat.
I realized, we still have internet.
I called my mother earlier today. She was annoying meh to no end about how she couldn't get into her Yahoo email account. So I told her to try her Hotmail. I don't think she ever tried.
I was wondering how we still had internet, it slipped my mind to ask her tho.
At home she told meh that, she talked to one of the representative at our service provider & the woman, Kaye decided to give us a special on internet for 6 months & downgrade us to basic cable from digital preferred. We were going to get rid of it all & have nothing. My mother said Kaye sounded like she felt sorry for us, I think she just wanted us to still have service with the company. Every penny counts. Losing a customer is actually a big deal. Regardless, I don't care. Now I don't have to be all bored in my room for the next 6 months. I didn't know what I was going to do.

William will be happy to know we only have basic cable like him now. He was like that's another thing, how do y'all have digital cable & we don't. Maybe b/c his cheap parents won't pay for it. I'm sure they can't afford it. He called meh spoiled. We were talking in the car on the way to my place. I said I don't need a job, I have everything I want. I have a pink laptop that's really nice, an iPod touch, another mp3 player that works better than the iPod & I have a cell phone (no service right now) plus I have enough money to buy a new touchscreen phone, go on a shopping spree (more stuff if everything is on clearance) & get a makeover. I'm thinking about getting a weave. He's like I hate that you're spoiled. You're poor, that's not suppose to happen. Haha, I'm so not spoiled.I just like what I like. If I can't have the best I don't want it all.I once wore the same shoes for two years until we could afford to buy meh the expensive pair I wanted. So I like the finer things in life. Sue meh. I really don't. I want a job, I just haven't found one yet. I can't be unemployed forever. I don't think my luck is that suckish.

A few minutes before we got ready to leave, his mother started screaming. So did his father. They wanted him to go to Zaxby's & pick up dinner. I'm not sure what he said but they obviously didn't like his response. His father was like "you NEVER do anything we tell you to" He told them he would pick it up on the way back from bringing meh home if they waited. She's all like "I'm NOT waiting two fucking hours to eat!" "You were suppose to take Brittanie home last night!" That really wasn't his fault. I begged him into letting meh stay one more night. I just wasn't ready to go home. It had nothing to do with the internet to be honest. I never wanna come home but I really don't wanna be at his place either. I just don't know where I belong. I'm uber bored at home & I miss him so much. He told meh I should get a job or find something to occupy my time with so I won't spend ALL the time we're apart thinking about him. I have to agree with that. I don't think I'll ever get hired. I really do try, never even get an interview. They were yelling so loud I actually got a headache. Every time that happens I fear for my life. I swear one day that woman is gonna kill meh. Every time I hear her screaming or slamming something I assume that it's about meh & she's pissed b/c the crazy girl is her house.

I almost got out of his parents house without his mother saying a bad thing about meh. Almost isn't good enough. As we were leaving the house, they started talking about
William: If I went to Zaxby's I would have had to buy Brittanie something too.
His mother: So, what's wrong with that? You've been fucking her for a week, you can at least feed her.
Then she said something that I didn't quite get. What I heard was stop playing with her head or something like that. I was stunned by the fact that she even said that. I mean it's kinda mean & offensive. I haven't even been there for a week. It's been 3 days & nights. Add the 3 and 7 then you'll have 7, 7 days but that's not how it works. I hate that fact that she thinks he's only with meh to have sex. It seems like that sometimes but we do way more, we have fun & there are moments when he's hella sweet.

Ugh, I'm watching CSI:New York right now so like yeah...f

Byeee *waves* I'm Going Back To The Ice Age

William is taking meh home this evening.
I won't have internet access there so no daily blog updates.
Maybe once a week & since I can't remember what happens, it'll just be from that day.
I guess I'll start keeping a journal but then no one will even get to hear my thoughts. It has it's downside. I might be able to "steal" the neighbors wi-fi. We'll see.

He planned to take meh home yesterday but I weaseled my way out of it by making excuses. I'm totally using him for their internet. jk I kept putting it off til it was 9:30pm and too late to leave. I'm sure this time he's taking meh home. He says we start to fight & can't get along when we stay together more than a day. He's right. Plus, I'm sure he's tired of sleeping on the floor.He's giving meh the bed two nights in a row. I can't sleep on the floor, it has carpet but I'm far too bony for that. It's been nice sleeping in his bed without him (:

Last night, I was "working" I was on this site, Reverbnation. It's where musical artists set up profiles & upload songs for people to find em. He's on the hunt for a lead singer for his band. My job was to listen to local artists in his area in the alternative, rock & metal genres. So far we've found about 3. We don't like the same type of music. I'm like dude, I don't know what good music is. I like Hannah Montana's winy ass annoying voice. I found one band, they were so awesome & they're hott too. He's like no Jonas Brothers wannabes. I was like ugh, it's taking you too long to get famous.He's like well, it doesn't happen over night. I know that but he's been working at this long before he ever met meh. I bet if his mother reads this, she'll jump to the conclusion that I don't believe in his music. I never said that! They both think that too. It's so unfair what people think of you & you really can't do anything about it.

I totally believe in his music, he's so determined. He spends ALL his time either working on this music, playing basketball or doing something sexual with meh. It makes meh feel bad that I use to have dreams but I didn't do anything to make em happen. I tried but my best was always like 3rd best. I was gonna go to Princeton. I was gonna be the next Avril Lavinge. I was gonna write a best selling book. I was gonna be a model. Maybe I should have just aimed to be a crackwhore. That seems attainable. I'm such a fucking loser. Losers deserve to die. I'm taking up breathing space that others actually need. FML. I wanna bang my head into the wall but they'll scream at meh.

On a side note: I have an infection, Candidiasis so I'm drinking lots of cranberry juice here to piss out the toxins. Oh, what fun this is. I've peed 10 times in an hour. This is really annoying. Even more annoying this is the 2nd time I've had this in less than a year. I was reading about it. I did NOT like how it said if it keeps reoccurring you may have cancer or AIDS. Wtf? It's nothing but a more dangerous yeast infection. Kay, so it is something I should worry about. This is too much info but only girls read this so get over it.

I Am God -Will [Haha, I'm dating Jesus]

That's what Will said. He was joke but still I feared I would get struck by lightening just for being in the same room with him. That's not the first time he's made a remark like that either. He once said while we were riding on the expressway that he's more powerful that Jesus b/c Jesus is imaginary. Well by that logic I'm more powerful that a vampire b/c some think they are imaginary. Just b/c he looks like Jesus doesn't mean he IS him. He has some kinda callus or piece of skin on his finger. It's rough & jagged. I guess from playing guitar or basketball. I'm not sure. He kept rubbing it against my skin saying "I 'm God, I spite thee" He kept repeating those words. I'm sitting in his room basically naked b/c it's hot here. I have on bra & undies. It really hurt. I'm like dude, stop! He can be so annoying sometimes.I was like how would you like it if I annoyed you? He said you do! Eh, I'm not denying that. I can't help it. It's part of my many disorders. He doesn't have an excuse.

I wanna learn to play guitar. He's excellent at it. Who better to teach meh? He promised to teach meh when we first started dating. I just asked him about it. He was like that was before I knew you were incapable of learning. Ugh, insult #1. I'm like are u fucking serious. Some things he says are jokes.I'm not sure that was one. Eh, it wouldn't be such a good idea anyhow. He'd just put meh down when I missed a note & I'd totally give up on it. When all you hear is negative, it goes into your head and fucks with you. I promise I felt so much better about myself before him & his family.

Last night in the grocery store, we were playing around. I asked him was he gonna ditch meh when he got to Hollywood.He said who's going to Hollywood? In my mind I think that everyone who dreams of being rich & famous has to go to Hollywood but I just realized that's only if you wanna act. He was like but of course I am. I'm like ugh. He asked what I was gonna do with my life? I said nothing, one day when you're rich & famous, I'll be famous. I don't need his money. He said no, you won't. I'm gonna hide you. Dude, that's so mean! He was like why don't u be a model? I said "oh now, you agree with it since your friend mentioned it" He's like well....

The bad thing about being over here is that I'm stuck in his room all day. Dehydrating & gasping for air. He's like why won't you come downstairs? Um, because your mother is down there! I try to avoid her as much as possible. I was happier in the week I wasn't here except when Will called to insult meh and all the drama with Barbara.

Oh good news! I have more money. I dropped outta school & they are still giving meh refunds but this will be my last one. I won't tell you how much I have b/c someone might find meh & rob it. You never know whose reading this blog. I think there are like random creeps online that go thur Blogger and read strangers thoughts. I don't do that, that's just lame. But yeah, Will is like I should save it for our future home. And that I never know when I'll to be homeless. Who said I'm going to be homeless?! Am I that much of a loser? Are u kidding meh?! If push comes to shove, I'll find some guy online & live with him. People are so paranoid about the internet. 10 guys & only one will be total psycho. I think my chances are pretty good. He said I can use it towards first months rent. I think I'm gonna need a couple hundred more to do that. I said or I can live in a motel for two weeks.I've done it before. I don't know.I really don't wanna spend the money.If I had saved it all I would have over $1,300 right now. I bought this laptop, limited edition Converse for Will, a tennis bracelet for mother with little diamonds (cheap ass piece of shit broke, Wal-mart still owns meh $60), a meal at Burger King for her, 3 Marta cards for school, an iPod touch & the rest was little items when I didn't have any cash. It's all on a debit card. I have a pin too. Wanna know it? It's my birthday :D Anyhow, he told meh I could spend $100, b/c that's plenty & to save the rest.Really? We're not even married & he's controlling my finances. He always tells meh, if we get married, your debt becomes my debt so no spending money you don't have. i.e. credit cards. Ugh, I wanna be rich!! Don't we all? But no seriously. Someone should be paying meh for this fucking blog. I mean c'mon. It's the coolest thing since Paris Hilton's sex tape. Yesh, at the time alot of us thought that was cool. Oh how young we were. So like yeah. his mother is cooking dinner. I'm not invited anymore b/c she hates meh. Fine with meh. It smells like spaghetti. Not appealing anyhow. I'm sitting here eating hot & spicy chips drinking cranberry juice from 10 hours ago. Yuck! No ice.

Random Socializing & PotHeads Make For An Interesting Day

Let's just pretend that the events in this story are taking place on actual Wednesday b/c I have the hardest time talking in past tense.I always get confused.This is why I don't have best selling book.
Here goes....

Will came and picked meh up Tuesday night. We had planned for him to pick meh up today(remember, it's Wednesday) but I don't know, he changed his mind.H e said he wanted to spend the night with meh. Bad idea. We can't get along with each other spending the night together.
This evening around 12, my iPod deleted all my songs (refer to previous blog) I spent the next four hours putting everything back into place.
Will spend all day downstairs with his mother, as usual then his father came home & they were all screaming at the television.Nothing against soccer but I'm so glad the World Cup is only once every 4 years.I don't think I could take this every year. I was stuck in his bedroom with nothing to drink, about to dehydrate & practically suffocating. I only had on a bra & undies but still sweat was dripping off meh like I was running a marathon. It was intense! Later I heard his mother say the A/C was broken. Oh fucking great. I thought that only happened to poor people.Our A/C has been broken every summer of my life. If I wanted to sweat I'd stay at my house (his mother would like that I bet)

At 4:30 he finally came upstairs, he's like we gotta go soon, get ready, get dressed. That was random. I'm like why? I don't wanna go. I have to work on getting all my music back onto my iPod. He had to go to the recording studio. We weren't leaving til 5:15 so I used that time to get as many songs as possible.I only got thur A to the beginning of C. I wasn't prepared to leave. I was running around looking for peppermints & trying to find a matching headband in one of my totes. I picked my afro out in the car. He grabbed the pick & forced into my head then pulled upwards. I'm like dude, you have to be gentle with black people's hair or at least mine. It isn't by any means straight.

When we got to the recording studio, it's called Visions I think. I did not wanna go in. I'm like I'm gonna be the one dorky looking person here. And I pretty much was. Everyone was the cool type, rockers, some were hip-hop & a few girls standing around, some dressed like skanks but since it's summer, we can let em slide. I felt so awkward the entire time I was there which was for about 2 hours.I thought Will was going to actually play. He drove 20 minutes so he could go talk to some old dude named Kimgee. That's what telephones were invented for. I mean he was mad awesome tho. He's like one of those hippie dudes from the 70s. He invited us into his recording space, Will introduced us. I hate meeting new people. It's always so awkward. There was a woman that kept talking to Kimgee. She was so blazed & hilarious. No, seriously, they were smoking right in front of us. I'm not sure what is was. I'm a totally dork but I know everyone in the building had a pocket full of weed. Kay, maybe not everyone but at least half of them even tho I only saw three. She was Hispanic, about 30, wearing way too much makeup & an outfit that looked like she was about to play softball. Oh she was petite too like tiny but we were the same height. She was hilarious.She was like "let meh blow on the mic" & she did.She started singing an off key tune that made no sense. I saw them handling a small bag of green stuff. See,I'm such a dork I'm not sure what it was. They eventually started to smoke it. They were getting blazed right in front of meh & Will. The lady was like "are you sure they're okay? They look twelve" When she offered us some "green stuff" We were like no. She said "see they are twelve!" Will told her he couldn't b/c one hit of that & he'd be too fucked up to drive. Meh, I just have no interest in drugs or alcohol. I'll never make it as a bad girl. I laughed. Do we really look that young?! NO! I look about 15, Will looks 17. In a little while a tall dude with long thin dreadlocks came in. He introduced us to him too. I hate hanging with Will, his friends/associates always ask meh what I do. I always look bad when I have nothing to say. Cat definitely has my tongue. Kimgee was like what do u do? Sing, dance, write music, model?" I'm thinking none of the above! I was on Facebook on my iPod. The tall dude was like "she just taps on her phone all day" He mistook it for an iPhone & I wasn't about to tell him it wasn't. Having an iPhone automatically gives you cool points. This is why people with no lives or no one to talk whatsoever when out & bought one. That's my theory anyway. Kimgee went on to tell meh how could see if he could get meh into modeling, he knows some girl who's like a pro in the modeling world. That was just an awkward topic since I'm always saying I wanna be a model & Will is like you can't be a model, I don't want you to be a model, you're not special enough, all that jazz. I was like "oooh, cool" Then those two started smoking, again. The smoke was already killing meh.My nose was burning like I was doing it. I'm not down with secondhand smoke or any kind. I thought I would get high just inhaling leftover smoke. It was insane!

Now his studio workspace was small. People started cramming into the room & bringing in their equipment, guitars, keyboard, stands for the instruments & of course themselves & none of them were even remotely small like Will & I. 3 girls & 6 guys.
(One man asked meh if I was one of the singer? Haha. I wish. I'm just some 12 year old who tags alone. I was caught off guard so the facial expression & sound I made may have made meh come off as a bitch.)
Seriously, my bedroom is bigger than that room.I'm thinking isn't this against some kind of safety rule?! They were a gospel group. I didn't catch that til after we left & Will commented on one of the dudes having a problem with Kimgee & that tall dude smoking in there when he first came in. He was caught off guard I guess. We finally got ready to leave since it was crowded in there. On the way out of the door, Will said a girl he worked with once, years ago with another one of his band projects or something. They talked for a 15 minutes in the hall til a man called her in to start singing. I just stood on the way, looking lost wishing he'd hurry up. Every time one of them said something, the other had a comeback. I'm like gosh, y'all choose the wrong time to be able to hold a convo. I crossed my arms, looked irritated. He didn't notice. Ugh.

After we left the studio we went to the park. At first Will didn't wanna go b/c he wasn't wearing athelic clothes but he changed his mind. The jealousy monster reared it's evil head while we were there.As soon as we got out of the car, I saw Terra, walking to her car. I pointed her out to him. He was like "let's go say hey to her" We did, more like he did. I don't really like to socialize with much of anyone. She walked in another direction. We went to the restrooms inside the recreation center. I had been holding in my urine for 2 hours. I told him to wait for meh outside the door, the men's restroom was closed. He didn't.I finished quickly & there he was outside talking to Terra. I'm like dude, didn't I tell you to wait?! I could have gotten kidnapped (unlikely) but still. He's like no one wants you. They had a 15 minute conversation just standing around about getting jobs if you know someone & what days they're gonna come to the park. I found out something new. I had no idea Will worked at L.A. Fitness. I was there but I just feel left out when he's talking to his friends. I'm anti-social. I got tired of waiting so I sat on a bench & listening to their convo from there. He later asked her from her number so that they can meet up at the park in the future to hang out. She did says "text meh if you guys decided to come" That was nice. It's not females I don't trust around Will. It's him I don't trust around them.I know I have serious trust issues. He's too outgoing. We realized I had his phone in my tote after he walked back to the car. I was playing a game on my iPod. She asked was I watching videos. I'm like no, it's a game. He's like "oh show her that race car game, it's pretty cool" I showed her. She wasn't impressed. Finally she had to leave. I totally flipped out on him. I was just mad that was the 2nd time he stopped to socialize.I'm not really jealous, I just feel weird standing around waiting for my boyfriend when he's talking to people. I bet they're like who is this girl & why is she here?!

I was yelling that I wanted to go home, his home & not stay in the park.There were so many people there. Like 30 guys on the court. It was so crowded I couldn't see the green ground anymore. I pulled him to come on but he went anyway. He was like just gimme 10 minutes, that means 30 really.I sat in the car. He came back in a few minutes to get a water bottle. I asked where we leaving? He said do you want to? One of those rhetorical questions.I said yes.He said well I don't, I wanna play some more. I went all drama queen "emo" on him. I threw my iPod inside the car of course, took off our ring & threw it into the dashboard. That annoyed him. Now we were both pissed. I even threw his keys just so he'd have to go "fetch em" He's like that was such a bitch move! Yes it was. I'm a bitch, what can I say. I finally calmed down & we went to the court. We stayed for almost an hour. I catch the ball while he made free throw shots & then he attempted to teach meh how to shoot hoops. I sucked. He's actually pretty good.I take back what I said about his playing a a couple weeks ago. I made like 6 of 20 shots. We were playing together til the guys called him to play so he ditched meh.I kept shooting by myself til I got tired then I went over to the swings. I love them! I can go really high, I wanna go so high I flip over the bar. Just as I was about to go back to the court & yell at him for taking to long, the game ended.He gathered his water bottle, cell phone & car keys & we went back to the car.

We stopped at Kroger's on the way back here. He wouldn't let meh buy donuts but what does an anorexic girl need with those anyway?! I don't even like em.They were $1 for four.That's appealing. He bought some Corona & some gross cream like soda drink. Yuck! I originally wanted Mellow Yellow (like Mountain Dew) or just pain Gingle Ale which is what he figured that drink was. Never let him choose the liquid =/ He also bought meh a pizza we shared & a bag of Hot chips.I was craving something spicy to burn up my insides o.O

While You Were Out....Your iPod Went Crazy

I missed blogging for the day of Wednesday. It's 4:30am on Thursday.
What's keeping meh up you ask?
Well I'll get to that.....
So much happened that I just couldn't get around to blogging. Therefore there will probably be quite a few blogs for Thursday.
I didn't even get around to checking my comments on PrettyThin & accepting friend requests.
I checked my email on my iPod & saw them but that's all.
Here's what happened, that morning I was Pretty Thin.I replied to one of the forum threads "What's Your Favorite Song" They weren't coming off the top of my head.I'm not an iPod, I don't memorize music like that, so I checked my iPod which was plugged in charging. I kept typing in artists names on iTunes trying to bring anything up. After a while I realized, there was NOTHING! Everything had been erased.I tapped "music" on my iPod & it said "no music, you can't download music from iTunes" I freaked out! I actually started crying. I didn't lose all my music. That's all in a folder on my computer.What I lost was all the organizing I had did. You know how people on Limewire are totally clueless.Some body actually put for an album "some cd that hasn't came out" I've spent the last three weeks on iTunes editing all the info, finding the right album names & covers. Everyone is like you don't have to have album art. Well I do, it bothers meh.That iPod screen is huge, I don't wanna be looking at a blank gray rectangle for 4 minutes. That's a pet peeve of mine, not having album art on mp3 players.

I freaked out & blamed Will for it. He does hate my music.I wouldn't blame him.
I'm visiting him. I don't know why. We're barely getting along. Tuesday night I cried in his arms b/c what he was saying got to meh.He apologized & said he's try to treat meh better, that he knows how he treats meh is wrong but I just have to give him a chance & stop focusing on how he's treated meh in the past.
I say it's his fault b/c he plugged in my iPod this morning, that's the only reason but it's odd that every time he does that, my iPod goes ape shit crazy & deletes everything. Only this time, It didn't restore it. I tried twice then gave up & got started doing all that work again. I've heard iTunes can get the cover art for you BUT that's only if you have ALL the info correct.It's like it had no knowledge of meh having any music.It didn't delete my apps, games or anything. Just my music.Now I know Will didn't do it b/c I was right there when he plugged it in just to charge it. We don't know what happened.Even more strange, it restored apps I deleted from it a week ago.I deleted them from the iPod & from iTunes. I don't know how the hell they all got back on there. iTunes traded meh my music for those fucking apps. He was so happy to have his Farm Story game back. It's like the iPod is his.I only use it for music.He plays all the games on it when I'm with him. I let all his crops wither when I was made at him. I'm always mad at him but this was over a week ago. He was like you lied to meh! His entire farm was dried up & everything was brown. He's taking that game just a bit too seriously.

I have over 1000 songs on my computer. I'm not even half way thur organizing them.I'm going in alphabetical order.Right now I'm only in the "L's" Maybe I am.I'm not sure. Each letter has about 30 songs in it. Hell, I suck at math.You get the gist.Since I don't have internet access at home anymore I have to fish this mission before I go back to my place.I'm gonna wake up in a few hours & be right back on this. So yeah, even iPod has meh up at 4am =/ FUCK YOU APPLE!