Strawberry Gashes ♥

The title for this blog was inspired by my friend Tia.
Last month when I was making a new name for my other blog, strawberry gashes was one of her suggestion. It didn't make sense to meh at first. She had to explain then it became clear. It's a play of words on cutting & whatnot.I'm not bright, hell if I know!

Well this tonight, I actually have 3 "strawberry gashes" This is the one time that I'm gonna regret cutting. I don't think I've cut like this since I first starting cutting at 13. Back then I was doing it for the rush & to feel like I could do something most of my friend couldn't. They later all became cutters, totally copying off meh. I mean they had NOTHING to cut about or even be sad about. I remember Kae's first time cutting. When the cuts started to heal she was like "they're itching, what's wrong with meh?" I said nothing, that just means they're healing. She was so clueless.
I cut so deep that I could see the white meat split open as I ran the razor across my wrist. This time it actually hurt, I felt all the pain as I was doing it but I couldn't stop. I didn't wanna stop. In the end I made 10 new cuts. The 3 I mentioned before are the worst. They look like a tiger dug into my wrist, they're so bad. Even after I cleaned them blood still trickled outta them for a good 15mins.
I had to use old dull razors from about three weeks ago. They're double sided, with 4 sharp corners. The first few cuts didn't come out so well so i had to turn the razor over and use the not so dull sides. It def worked.
Turns out my mother went thur my room & found my new pack of razors I bought last month. They're unopened.I had to beg William to take meh to Family Dollar so I could get them, then when he found out what I had actually bought, he took them from meh.I had to wrestle with him for 10 mins to get em back. I went thur HELL for those razors.While they were only one dollar I still don't appreciate the fact that she invaded my privacy. I was so pissed at her. I started screaming, banging my head up against the wall, throwing a ball in my room & yelling about how it wasn't fair that she went thur my stuff. What I buy with MY own money, regardless of where I get it from & what I do to MY body is my business. I'm tired of people telling meh what I can and cannot do regarding myself. Earlier Will told meh that if I cut, we were thur. Well I cut & right now I'm sitting in his bed while he's downstairs playing video games. See how that went? I told him that he had no control over what I do to my body just like i have NO control over what he does, like talking to my former friends on Facebook and overly using the phrase "nigga".

William was my trigger this time, as always. It was totally pathetic of meh to slit my fragile frail wrist over a guy that truthfully doesn't care that I did it. He's torturing meh by grabbing them & forcing meh to do things til I beg for mercy & he lets them go. I was like "stop it! you're gonna make them start bleeding again!" Just as they stopped hurting on the ride over here William grabbed them and all the pain came back.I had a time hiding them from my mother. Now to find a way to hide em for the next month til they completely heal. The cuts from two weeks ago are just now healing. The skin is pealing where the scabs were. When I was younger I use to think I was speeding up the process by picking the scabs off after a few days but I was only hindering it. I realized that every time I did that a new scab had to develop causing my cuts to take twice as long to heal. Boy was I smart?!

Sometimes I look at my scarred bruised wrist & I can't believe I did this too myself. but then I think, that this is the only thing that's ever gotten meh thur. I don't know what I would've done without it. And even tho people look at meh like I'm a circus freak when they catch a glimpse of them I don't mind b/c they don't know what it's like to be meh. I'm so trapped in my own mind. It wanna escape & just leave this destroyed body behind....