It's 8am & I have yet to go to bed. I could have gotten actual sleep had I stayed at my place. After yet another "suicidal attempt" [that's just what I call it, we all know it's just a coping mechanism for meh] at 12am Will came to pick meh up.
We got to his place around 3am. We watched the Boondocks on Youtube.It was a totally racist & offensive episode. The next one was a bit better. I wasn't offended & they didn't get racist but still, all in all it's a terrible show. I just don't like their crude sense of humor.
At 5:15 am, we left to go to the park where we stayed until 7:15.
I think he just wanted meh outta the house before his parents woke up.
I don't know much about how his father feels about meh but if it's anything like the way his mother feels about meh then I'm sure, they wish I was miles away from their son & their home.
We played basketball, it was more like "how many shots can u get in?" Will majorly blows at basketball. I know, that's an insult but it's not like he doesn't insult meh all the time. The court was a bit wet with puddles in various spots. Every time he missed a shot it was more than likely going to splash into a puddle of water. The ball got super wet & slick. It was lame.I tired quick. I sat on the court for a little while until I noticed I was partially squishing a worm with my leg o.O
We headed back to his place & when we were coming up the street leading to his house his mother was heading out for her morning walk with Pausie. He let the window down so he could talk to her. They're having their kitchen renovated so there are a ton of workers downstairs right now. She saw meh & the expression on her face completely changed within seconds. She actually rolled her eyes in a way that said "ugh, he's still with that girl? what the fuck is wrong with my son?" I was like "OMG, your mother is still being a prick to meh, why? He said maybe b/c she knows you're still crazy, you're still a cutter. I asked how would she know that? He replied "I know" Okay, unless he tells her everything she wouldn't know. Or unless she's still reading my blog, then of course. She would know =/ I seriously hope she isn't. This is my diary. The only people who read it are total strangers & two of my close real life friends. My mother doesn't even read my blog. Anything I say in here I'll basically tell her unless it's something really mean about her. Gosh, I make one mistake [cutting in her house & "kinda" insulting her in my blog, so that's two] & she's gonna despise meh forever or at least until I'm outta their lives then they're forget meh? How unfair is that? What I do at my home is my business. If I'm a cutter then it shouldn't matter to her or him. It only matters to my mother. She has this rule, that while I am in her household I am not allowed to have razors or any items that can be used as weapons. It's really retarded. I'm a SELF-harmer. What people fail to realize that I'm 10x more likely to injure myself before anyone else. I'm all talk, I have no interest in hurting others physically.
We come upstairs to his room. He wants meh to sleep with him (literally) I'm like I'd rather be on PrettyThin. He goes "well, I'd rather be talking to Michelle" I'm like "whoa, really? He replies, "Yes, she's interesting" Again, with that interesting bullshit! She's fucking 14 years old. He's a 22 year old man. They have laws against this kinda stuff. I realize they only have friends chats but still. Are girls his own age not good enough? Oh wait, I am in his age (well close to it)Obviously I'm not good enough but there are others, you know?!That annoyed meh so badly! He's like you're not interesting like her. She's 14, in the UK, how damn interesting can she be? Is she a fucking witch? He's like look how long I've known you. What could we possible talk about that we haven't already? So, I've known Joesph & Carlisa longer than him & we still find new things to talk about, if not, then we repeat, no big deal. No conversation in life is ever gonna be the same anyway. Just b/c we're known each other almost 8 months, he can't talk with meh anymore? That's fucked up and retarded that some little kid satisfies his needs of having a nice conversation with. Don't you think?
Later...5 minutes after that.
Meh: Will, I'm depressed.
Him: .....nothing.
Meh: You don't care ,do you?
Him: Nope.
So I start crying. Every time he effs up he thinks "I'm sorry, I love you baby" makes it all right. Well it doesn't. What if we could end wars like that?! He tells meh I'm his girl, even tho I'm crazy & weird but I'm his girl. Throwing in that last part doesn't exactly set it in stone for meh.
On the drive to the park earlier we got into it. He said something to meh. I fired back. He shot another missile.
Me:h I wish I had a full sized boyfriend. It was joke but kinda true. He's pretty short for a dude.
Him: Why don't you just breakup with meh then & go find him?
Meh: Is that what you really want?
Him: Yeah, I tried but you wouldn't let meh. If you break up with meh, maybe it won't hurt you so much.
Meh: So you don't wanna be with meh?
Him: Well..kinda. I don't care.
He doesn't care?! OMG. Not good. I collected myself and let those evil words float away. Part of meh wanted to grab the stirring wheel & wreck the car that moment.
He's like maybe, we'll get married but you can't force meh to marry you. Of course I can't but I would hope he would want to. He was all for it earlier this year & Christmas when he proposed. This is why I don't let myself get involved with people espeically guys. They're all liars, they all break your heart at one point, all people lie to you & misjudge you. I'm like why do I even wear your ring? He says "b/c I love you" I'm like I should just crush this ring. Crush it with the dreams & plans we had of actually having a life together. What ever was I thinking?! Stupid naive little girl, she must do better next time around.
But I have accepted that things aren't gonna be the same as they were earlier this year. Time changes people and some people refuse to change for time. You live, you learn, you love then you get your heart broken into a million little pieces. That's life, no one dies a virgin. Life screws us all in the end :D
I just feel like crying until there's nothing left of meh.
If only I could cry away all my pain.What a glorious day that would be.
At 5:15 am, we left to go to the park where we stayed until 7:15.
I think he just wanted meh outta the house before his parents woke up.
I don't know much about how his father feels about meh but if it's anything like the way his mother feels about meh then I'm sure, they wish I was miles away from their son & their home.
We played basketball, it was more like "how many shots can u get in?" Will majorly blows at basketball. I know, that's an insult but it's not like he doesn't insult meh all the time. The court was a bit wet with puddles in various spots. Every time he missed a shot it was more than likely going to splash into a puddle of water. The ball got super wet & slick. It was lame.I tired quick. I sat on the court for a little while until I noticed I was partially squishing a worm with my leg o.O
We headed back to his place & when we were coming up the street leading to his house his mother was heading out for her morning walk with Pausie. He let the window down so he could talk to her. They're having their kitchen renovated so there are a ton of workers downstairs right now. She saw meh & the expression on her face completely changed within seconds. She actually rolled her eyes in a way that said "ugh, he's still with that girl? what the fuck is wrong with my son?" I was like "OMG, your mother is still being a prick to meh, why? He said maybe b/c she knows you're still crazy, you're still a cutter. I asked how would she know that? He replied "I know" Okay, unless he tells her everything she wouldn't know. Or unless she's still reading my blog, then of course. She would know =/ I seriously hope she isn't. This is my diary. The only people who read it are total strangers & two of my close real life friends. My mother doesn't even read my blog. Anything I say in here I'll basically tell her unless it's something really mean about her. Gosh, I make one mistake [cutting in her house & "kinda" insulting her in my blog, so that's two] & she's gonna despise meh forever or at least until I'm outta their lives then they're forget meh? How unfair is that? What I do at my home is my business. If I'm a cutter then it shouldn't matter to her or him. It only matters to my mother. She has this rule, that while I am in her household I am not allowed to have razors or any items that can be used as weapons. It's really retarded. I'm a SELF-harmer. What people fail to realize that I'm 10x more likely to injure myself before anyone else. I'm all talk, I have no interest in hurting others physically.
We come upstairs to his room. He wants meh to sleep with him (literally) I'm like I'd rather be on PrettyThin. He goes "well, I'd rather be talking to Michelle" I'm like "whoa, really? He replies, "Yes, she's interesting" Again, with that interesting bullshit! She's fucking 14 years old. He's a 22 year old man. They have laws against this kinda stuff. I realize they only have friends chats but still. Are girls his own age not good enough? Oh wait, I am in his age (well close to it)Obviously I'm not good enough but there are others, you know?!That annoyed meh so badly! He's like you're not interesting like her. She's 14, in the UK, how damn interesting can she be? Is she a fucking witch? He's like look how long I've known you. What could we possible talk about that we haven't already? So, I've known Joesph & Carlisa longer than him & we still find new things to talk about, if not, then we repeat, no big deal. No conversation in life is ever gonna be the same anyway. Just b/c we're known each other almost 8 months, he can't talk with meh anymore? That's fucked up and retarded that some little kid satisfies his needs of having a nice conversation with. Don't you think?
Later...5 minutes after that.
Meh: Will, I'm depressed.
Him: .....nothing.
Meh: You don't care ,do you?
Him: Nope.
So I start crying. Every time he effs up he thinks "I'm sorry, I love you baby" makes it all right. Well it doesn't. What if we could end wars like that?! He tells meh I'm his girl, even tho I'm crazy & weird but I'm his girl. Throwing in that last part doesn't exactly set it in stone for meh.
On the drive to the park earlier we got into it. He said something to meh. I fired back. He shot another missile.
Me:h I wish I had a full sized boyfriend. It was joke but kinda true. He's pretty short for a dude.
Him: Why don't you just breakup with meh then & go find him?
Meh: Is that what you really want?
Him: Yeah, I tried but you wouldn't let meh. If you break up with meh, maybe it won't hurt you so much.
Meh: So you don't wanna be with meh?
Him: Well..kinda. I don't care.
He doesn't care?! OMG. Not good. I collected myself and let those evil words float away. Part of meh wanted to grab the stirring wheel & wreck the car that moment.
He's like maybe, we'll get married but you can't force meh to marry you. Of course I can't but I would hope he would want to. He was all for it earlier this year & Christmas when he proposed. This is why I don't let myself get involved with people espeically guys. They're all liars, they all break your heart at one point, all people lie to you & misjudge you. I'm like why do I even wear your ring? He says "b/c I love you" I'm like I should just crush this ring. Crush it with the dreams & plans we had of actually having a life together. What ever was I thinking?! Stupid naive little girl, she must do better next time around.
But I have accepted that things aren't gonna be the same as they were earlier this year. Time changes people and some people refuse to change for time. You live, you learn, you love then you get your heart broken into a million little pieces. That's life, no one dies a virgin. Life screws us all in the end :D
I just feel like crying until there's nothing left of meh.
If only I could cry away all my pain.What a glorious day that would be.
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