It's Better Unfabulous If You're Dating Tyra :D

I somehow forgot to blog yesterday (Sunday)

I don't quite remember yesterday....
I know I came home around 4pm.
(I miss William...he's my life which means I need to get one.)Mother had dinner ready, I ate it.Took a nap around6 when my mother said my brother was coming then woke up at8:30.I then stayed up ALL NIGHT on my laptop, IM-ing people and being a post whore in the forums on PrettyThin. It wasn't until 10am this morning that I finally went to sleep then my mother woke meh up for lunch at 1pm. 3 homemade buffalo wings, corn, fried orka, sweet potaotes & a Hawaiian roll. It was yummy especially the wings but the guilt from eating will linger for days.I should get some rest. I'm running on like 3 hours of sleep for the past two months.I need my beauty rest or I'm never gonna be a supermodel :) I have such unrealistic high hopes for myself. If only i could get my self esteem there.
I had a really fun convo with this girl on PrettyThin about Tyra Banks.
It started off about her losing weight & crazy dreams we have. Dude, I made out with Tyra. Mhmm.
She was like you and Tyra would look good together. HAHA, in my dreams, yes.So I have this theory that Tyra is bi, we're gonna meet, she's gonna fall madly in love with meh & say yes when I ask her to marry meh. Crazy I know but a girl can dream, can't she?I mean she's Tyra freaking Banks, you're lying your ass off if you say you don't wanna get with her ;) I use to see her and all I could think were BOOBS! :D

She's like totally gay, just a little bit. Half gay? Not bashing her or anything but eh my theory works.No one else finds it odd how she gets all touchy feely with the winners of TopModel for their photo shoots? Why does she have to touch em?! I'm so jealous of them. They were touched by Tyra. I envy them. *jealousy monster rears it's evil head*

Is Tyra even wearing a shirt?! Oh w/e they are smoking ;)Teyona is not attractive to meh & her body sucks. Seriously, she's all thighs & legs and not in a good way. If she ever hugged meh I could die happy like for real. That would be an accomplishment meh for. And that "almost" kiss with Kimora Lee Simmons. I would hope if Tyra was a lesbian she would have better taste in females. They weren't kissing but it sure as hell looked like something fun was about to happen. They were holding hands! Just saying, this photo makes meh theory a little more believable.I think Kimora is ugly. No matter how thin she was she always had a chubby face. Then she became a fat ass & unlike Tyra she isn't losing the weight! I don't like her. I've never liked her. She seems so bitchy on her show & not even being racist but she has NO taste in black men. Her first hubby was ugly, her new one is just ooogly. I checked out her book Fabulosity from the library book 3 summers ago & wasted a month of my life trying to read it. She is so full of shit! That book got meh nowhere and I'm still Unfabulous BUT it's better unfabulous as Addie taught us on that Nick show. Whatever happened to her? Jake Behari, Jake Behari. She was so creepy about that dude but I digress.....

This book cover was really appealing. I'm a sucker for leopard print, curse her! I hated Baby Fat. That overpriced clothing line of overdone overdecorated clothes for everyday. I remember going back to school shopping at Macy's. (This was before they arrested and banned meh for two years. Please, only two years, Publix banned meh for 5 years and I'm still going in there.) I had found the most gorgeous pair of paints. They were gold colored with satin, umm, I forget what those are called but this extra material on the pants to maybe tie em up. They were like cargo pants, kinda. We took em to the counter. We're poor, we have a thing called a "budget" when the saleswoman told us they were $1oo, my mother almost passed out. She was like "oh no sweetie, put those back, NOW!I actually wasted $80 on her shoes my freshmen year of high school. I was naive then but boy, did I look rad that first day of school and everyone was so jealous. I didn't get shoes for a year buying those and after about 2 weeks I stopped wearing them. I have no idea where they are these days. They made my feet look big. They were made on the style of Nikes & Nikes don't look good on my long skinny feet. Those were the only Baby Phat product I ever bought. So yeah, I'm just really annoyed by Kimora. If she wasn't a giraffe she'd be working at a beauty supply store going "NO refunds" & helping ople find authentic human hair. I'm sorry, that was mean?

One more thing, Tyra and Beyonce looks more like sisters than B & Solange does. My friend last night was like aren't they sisters? When I showed her the photo. Funny. Tyra's the prettier one in this family. B doesn't look so perfect next to Tyra. They look cozy.

But yeah, I'm gonna marry Tyra & live happily ever after :)

Seriously, She Threw A Phone At Us!

So when William & I woke up this morning his parents were back.
It wasn't really morning.It was 3:30pm.
I heard his mother talking as I rolled over & attempted to get outta bed.
Meh: Your mother is back?!
William: Yeah.
Meh: Ugh! Damn

We started having sex. He always does that. Every morning before we're even woke he jumps into sex. I hate it b/c my face is covered in droll, crust in my eyes & worst of all, horrible breath & he always wants meh to kiss him. I can't stand morning breath. I can taste it and it's just gross.
A little into it my mother called the home phone b/c I left my cell at home.
They have a fancy kind of phone. It has caller ID but it also literally talks.
It said "B Franklin" which is meh. His mother stomped up the stairs angrily.
So she obviously knew it was my mother calling for meh b/c I'm sure she figured out I was there. My Vans were in the bathroom. Will covered meh with the covers as she proceeded to come into his room to bring him the phone. I was like "ugh, are we still on this? She knows I'm here. She literally threw the phone at us. It landed between us after hitting him in the face, hard. He was like "hey! that hurt! She's lucky it didn't hit meh. She would have had something to worry about. I was thinking wow, what the hell?! I said I see your mother is still being a prick.He asked what did she do now? OMG, she threw a phone at us b/c my mother called. I'm the only one that finds something wrong with that?!

After sex I showered. It always makes meh feel so dirty, plus we sweat alot during it.
(Calories burned :D)
I didn't take a long time. It was quick.He was like "oh you showered, that was quick"
Don't wanna give his mother anything else to hate meh about.
She'd probably be like the nutcase is wasting my water.
As I was coming outta the shower, the phone rung again.
I thought it was my mother, so I rushed into Will's room wearing a towel & still half wet.
It wasn't her. It was someone calling for his mother.
His parents started freaking out & yelling saying "get the phone!"
You'd think it was the Pope calling. If u miss the call, just call them back.
That's what called ID & the redial button is for. No big deal.
His mother ran up the stairs screaming "gimme the phone" by then he had answered.
He told the person something. I was trying to figure out all the commotion.
His mother tells meh him to give her the phone, just bring it into the hall.
He does, she snatches it & they had some conflict in the hall.
I was afraid I hid in the closet, naked wet girl hiding in his dusty closet. Eww.
He was like well I had answered the phone & I didn't want to scream on the phone with the caller, that would have been rude.

He rushed meh to get ready after that.
He always does that lately if his parents are there.
I'm like you wanna meh outta here before they go ballistic on meh right?
William: I'm not rushing you.
Meh: Yes you are.
He hands meh my little tote that I keep my laptop's cords in.
Meh: If you aren't rushing meh why are u handing meh my stuff?
He asked was I ready, 4 times. Gosh, I'm a female. We can't just get ready in 3.5 seconds!
We went downstairs.
I go to the left now to avoid his mother who sits in the living room.
They have two living rooms & two dining areas so I cut thur the second set.
Going down I almost forgot, looked back at her. I saw thinking "she saw meh!"
He did the usual talking to his father about sports for 15mins while I stood at the door waiting with my army messenger bag & my laptop tote.
I watched her rock in her chair back & forth. It was sorta making meh dizzy.
His mother finally got up to give him his package from Edy's that came.
They set him two coupons for free or discounted ice cream (not sure, couldn't hear)
I must not have been around b/c I don't remember that. The only ice cream I've even seen in their freezer was Publix brand. I was looking clueless listening to them talk about it.
His mother glanced over at meh and waved but didn't have a happy expression on her face.
I waved back trying to be nice.It was a slow lone drawn out wave like when Spongebob makes his imaginary rainbow. It was totally awkward. She doesn't like meh therefore I would appreciate if she knot acknowledge my existence, you know?

We didn't talk on the ride back to my place.I just listened to my music.
The sun was beaming in on my side of the car, I fear sun. It'll make meh darker.
They seriously should finish paving the parking lot in my apartments.
It's so rocky and un-leveled. I could tell he was eager to get rid of meh b/c as soon as we turned into my apartments, he drove really fast thur the circle to get to my building.
I kinda waited for him to kiss meh goodbye, he was hesitate. He did & told meh he's miss meh.
I got outta the car...

Poking Holes In My Social Life

My mother is being a total prick.
She's been cool. I wonder what's up?
William wants meh to spend the night with him but my mother won't let meh leave.
She's gone back to that whole curfew thing. Mine is 12am. She's came a long way from 9pm.
She hasn't been enforcing it since I started getting really close with I'm almost 21, is this a joke?!
It's not like anything is gonna happen to meh.
I think she's lonely when I leave & she truly misses meh.
I don't wanna exactly leave her b/c I haven't been here in 2 nights but I don't wanna make him mad.He isn't taking this very well. It makes meh feel bad....
It's already 11:45pm, he lives like an hour away and that's without traffic!
No way can he get here in 15 minutes, that's not possible.

He called meh at 11:30. I don't talk on the phone when my mother is around.
I had to hang up with him when the convo got too deep. Some things i just don't want her to hear not that we were talking about sex ;)

Here's the convo...
Meh: Sorry. I'm in the living room with my mother. She said I can't leave.
You shouldn't have bought meh home! (like earlier today)
William: Please. What the hell? Why can't you? I mean it's not even that late.
Meh: It's not meh. I really want to but my mother is being a prick.
William: Please babe.
Meh: I really can't. She's not gonna let meh leave without getting in trouble.
William: Tell her it's important.
Meh:
William: Well get in trouble. I really wanna see you. Do you care at all?
Meh: Omg.I do care but I can't.I'm so sorry.
William: Man, you suck. I wanna be with you & you don't. Whatever babe. You can do something.
Meh: Don't say that! I do care :(
If you get here before 12.
William: Okay.I'm leaving now.
Meh: Where are you? It's 12 in like 15mins. Don't leave b/c I won't be able to come out.
William: Yes you will! Stop it!
Meh: This isn't meh doing this! Omg, I'm telling you.
William: Well it be there at twelve thirty. Come out then okay?

So okay, I talked to my mother and she agreed to let meh go since his parents are away.
At least I think they're still gone =/
She has this theory that I can keep him company. That's NOT why he wants meh there!
She said earlier today that she won't mind if we get married. WTH?!
Mother: Well, do you wanna go?
Meh: Sure, if it means he won't be mad at meh.
Mother: Just this one time you can go.
She's so sweet.
He'll be here by 12:30.I need to be getting ready but I'm blogging instead. He's gonna get here sooner since there's no traffic at 12am.
I take back calling my mother a prick, she isn't that bad :)

Sleeping With The Enemy xD

OMG, I ♥ William.
I had such a good time with him yesterday.
I mean we had our usual conflicts but I enjoyed it. I didn't come home crying this evening,
It feels like I spent a long time with him but I actually only spent a day with him & overnight but it seemed like two nights. We don't go to bed til 4am.
2am Friday morning til 1pm today.
The best part of being with him was all the cuddling we did while sleeping.
He held meh the entire time like I was his own little teddybear.
It was totally romantic. I felt so safe (how cliche is that?) All the lights in the house were out.
I'm deathly afraid of the dark.I'm not usually but I am in his house. It's not small like mine. In my apartment everything is just around the corner, literally.
I was so sad when we had to wake-up and leave this afternoon b/c he had to go to rehearsal for his band. Band practice like totally ruined the moment.

Now don't get meh wrong, they were some bad moments of us sleeping in the same bed all night.
I had the share the bed with his dog & cat, not cool. I did NOT enjoy that part.
Pausie, the dog decided to curl up at the end of the bed where I would normally put my feet so they were hanging outta the bed all night. William has very hairy legs. His leg had brushed up against meh, I let out a yelp thinking it was Pausie. I started kicking and poking & it was him.
He was like "Brittanie, stop, that's meh!" I swear it felt just like the dogs fur. o.O

ChiChi, the cat kept walking all over meh. There is nothing I hate more that cat hat getting everywhere and she was she shedding like no ones business! I was trying to fall asleep.She caught meh off guard walking on the shoulder & I screamed so loud. He started laughing. It ran her away. I was glad :D This is sick but I feel like I have to compete for his attention when that damn cat is around. I'm jealous of a cat. How pathetic am I?

His elbow was also in my back most of the night. Pure torture, his bony ass elbow in my bony ass back and shoulder blades for about 8 hours.Can u imagine?
He sleeps in such an uncomfortable position. Not for him but for meh.
His head his legs on top of mine & he rested his arms in my side. OMG, pain.
Our legs were intertwined with each others.
Okay, his house is really hot. Mine is too but gosh, there's a thing known as A/C.
I expect my place to be like that but at least when I'm here, I'm not sharing a twin bed with a man. His ceiling fan does nothing most times. My floor fan is way better. We sure as hell sweat a lot for two skinny people. At one point he was like it's too hott to cuddle with meh when I wanted to put my arms around him. He was right tho. I felt his chest, he felt like he had a fever and so did I? I'll be cool & he'll come and hug meh making meh hot. It was later in the night when he started cuddling with meh, by then we weren't so hot. It had to been around 6am by then...

Then we just as we were leaving we got into.
When he's ready to leave I'm never ready. I always run around using the bathroom, finding something to eat in the car on the long ride home, getting pieces of gum. It ticks him off majorly.
He's like you're so inconsiderate! You do things just to annoy meh and you know what you're doing. They has these really cool burrito type rolls called Tornados. They are so tasty! That's big coming from meh b/c I don't like much food. So I went into the freezer & got one outta the box. I attempted to put it into the microwave and he freaked. He's like "I'm ready to go!" Well the dogs were outside relieving themselves so it's not like we could go anywhere. He had plenty of time to let meh heat it up for like 2 minutes! Earlier he asked meh to tote his guitar to eh Element & I accidentally dropped it, it went crashing on the kitchen floor with a bang but I didn't mean to.I think he was convinced that I did. I'd never do that ;) jk I really didn't mean to. He got all pissed at meh.I got ignored, it was so retarded.

On the ride home, we didn't speak. I listened to my music on my mp3player, thank god for personal headphones.What would the world be without those?! He blasted his music like his actually music from his band, Crop Circle. That name makes meh think about aliens. He ♥s and is SO proud of his music that he burned it onto a CD and listens to it while he drives. It made meh think do artists say Green Day listen to their own music outside of recording it? We finally made it to my apartments. We had a quick kiss. I said bye.

I'm always said to leave him. I'm so attached to that boy!

Deads Guys on The Highway & BasketBall Courts

Right now I'm at Williams place.
His parents are away.Yay! Haha, that's mean right?
I don't know.I just feel uncomfortable here knowing I'm not welcomed here.
He's downstairs watching a basketball games.
All he cares about are sports & music.Oh and meh...I think.

I'm not really in a bad mood, for once.
I'm sipping on Cranberry Pomegranate juice.
It gets boring here tho.All alone in his room, all the time it seems like.
What's a girl to do?
Not to mention there's a spider in here & I don't think he's that friendly.
We're not allowed to kill spiders in this house.I'm too afraid to do it & he won't so I'm screwed.
I'm keeping eye on him though.He's in a web on the side of the dresser. He's moved a bit within the last 30mins.He's getting closer....

In response to him not texting meh for days.He said he was busy & that he would have talked to meh if I had just texted/called him.
Why do girls always have to be the one?

We went to the park today.Spend about 3 hours there.
This was NOT his day. He brings new meaning to the term "white men can't jump"
He pretty much missed every shot. Let's see, he shot about 100, only 20 went in.
Something was wrong with his eyes. We had to come home & he changed his contact lenses.
I sat on the basketball court listening to music while he made shots.
The pavement burned my butt thur my velvet sweatpants, like no joke.I think I have a rash or something now.
The second time we came back the court was covered in bird poop.I was like wtf happened? We were just here! They destroyed that place massively. I could bare find a place to sit.

William goes there to find people to play the game with.
No one came was around.
Usually a lot of guys are around.
He told meh I was bad luck. Eh, I can't argue with that.
A Hispanic guy came to the courts around 6:40, he and William played.
It was like weird watching. They're both short (for guys) and I'm use to seeing tall guys play basketball. At 7:15 a bunch of guys finally showed up then they made teams and played an hour long game.
By then I had been sitting in the car for about 30mins.
I was about to pass out sitting in the sun.
I took alot of photos on Wills phone.
His is SO MUCH cooler than mine.The camera has all these special features.
All mine does is black & white photos with these ugly arse childish frames.
I couldn't help myself, I deleted Kae's number from his phone.
He's gonna fuss at meh when he notices.
It started to rain half way into their game.I had hoped that would stop them but it didn't.
I forgot, that's baseball & football that stops for the rain.

At 8:35 we finally came back here.

Oh last night, I saw something unbelievable.Well that's not quite the word.
It was believable but gruesome.
Will picked meh up at 1:30am. On the way to his place,on the expressway we passed an accident.
A man in his 50's, he had a head of gray hair but wasn't bald, had apparently been thrown off his motorcycle. I'm not sure, I obviously didn't get the details.
We slowly drove pass to observe.
He was smack dab on the pavement, it's hard to explain but his head was kind of to the side, his face was covered in blood like how u see in horror movies.
All these people were surrounding him.One lady was freaking out throwing her hands in the air.
No ambulance or anything were at the scene. I'm thinking, no wonder he's dead.
I mean I asked Will & he said he was probably dead, I couldn't tell if he was breathing tho.
We were close but not microscopic close :D
I didn't see his helmet anywhere & his motorcycle was about 20 feet away from him.
It just worried about meh. It's been a while since I've seen something like that.
Last year when I got into a fight with a cop after slitting my wrist, they sent meh to the emergency room. But I was quarantined in a room with huge windows w/nurses watching meh the entire time til I was moved.
I saw alot of vehicle accident victims roll by on stretchers, barely alive. It depressed meh.
One dude was basically cut in half with blood gushing outta him.
Another woman was covered in blood. The only way I was able to tell she was even female was her blond hair underneath the blood and bandages.
Makes meh wonder what ever happened to those people. Did they die? Are they paralyzed now?
Are they gonna be vegetables for the rest of their lives?

Will laughed about it, made sarcastic jokes & said that's why he hates motorcycle riders.
No, he hates them b/c they're not like him :p

Have It Your Way, FUCK BK!

Is that even still the slogan for Burger King?
I'm not sure.I haven't heard anyone say that in at least 8 years or so.
(Yeah it is, I just Googled it) Well I didn't have ANYTHING "my way" today.
They've changed so much.That creepy King dude in the commercials scares the poop outta meh. His head is all giant & he seems unstable.He chases people sometimes.

Anyhow, I visited "the King" today.It was pure torture.
Bare with meh, this will be long and some sections will be misplaced.
I waited for every second to be over so that I could leave that hellhole.
I have a secret hatred for fast food.I still eat it occasionally but every time kills meh a little more inside.No one really knows about it. I can do Chik-Fil-A.
That's where I have to draw the line.

It was my mother's idea. She did not wanna cook dinner when we got home so she stopped there. She's broke, seriously, for the past few weeks we've been living off my savings which is usually about $40 I've collected a bundle of bills and some change I keep in my top dresser.
For some crazy reason I thought I'd be nice & volunteer to treat her, BIG MISTAKE.
How do I have money you ask? Refund money left on my Mastercard from last semester.
I was pissed for an hour that I wasted $6 on food. I hate spending money on food.
If I had to purchase my own food and meals I'd never eat.
I mean c'mon. It's only gonna get pooped out in a few days. I told her that. She got on meh about my eating disorder, Just b/c you wanna starve yourself doesn't mean I have to! That's how she always wins the arguments.
We spent a while trying to decide what to order.
Initially I did not want to eat anything.
In was just gonna buy her a meal and watch her eat.I'm fine with that.
But she said I HAD to eat also.
My mother wanted bacon. Neither of us were too sure that BK actually had bacon sandwiches.
When we were ready to place our order she asked the dude.
He got confused somehow not understanding what she was saying....he had this confused look on his face. So I tried to clear things up.
Meh: Do you have any burgers with bacon on them?
Him: No but we can add bacon, we can add anything.
Meh: Kay, that's cool
My Mother: No, nevermind, it's gonna take too long, I don't wanna wait & put y'all thur the trouble.
Him: No, we can do it, only takes a minute to cook. (30 mins he meant)
My Mother: Does it cost the same?
Him: No, it's extra.
My Mother: Oh, then I don't want it, she's paying, don't wanna spend all her money (since when?)
Meh: No, it's okay. You can get it, it's only like 30 cents extra.
Him: Yeah....
The two of us got into a little mini argument at the register.

One of the men (I'll go into detail about them later) butted into the conversation.
Man#2: Do you all have enough money to cover it? Need some help there?
Meh: No.....
Man#2: *laughs* you sure?
He waved a wad of cash in the air.
I was so insulted and offended. What the fuck was so funny?!
I had my school debit card in my hand with actual money on it.
I could afford fucking 60 cents extra! In the end it came to $1.20.
Do meh and my mother look that bad?!

The service at this particular location was horrible.
It was super slow. It took, I counted, 20mins to get our order.
2 Jr Whoppers w/bacon & cheese & a small fry. (I know, that's NOT what an anorexic is suppose to eat.)
I think they failed to grasp the whole concept of "fast food"
They have the food part now just conquer the fast part and get customers in and out in less than 7minutes. I think that's reasonable :)
If I wanted to wait for my meal and be seated for half an hour I'd go to Red Lobster or some restaurant that doesn't have a dollar menu.

The workers were totally rude & unprofessional.

Two of the guys almost seriously got into a fight while the burgers were cooking.
Dude #1: You have a problem with meh? Just say it.
Dude #2 : Yes I do *steps into his face*
Dude #1: Oh you really wanna do this here?
Dude #2: I've always had a problem with you.
I was just waiting for a fight to break out and for someone to get burned with hot french fry grease!

I tried to be polite and said "thank you" every time, I got ignored every time.
They even had their children in the eating area. Two girls about 5 & 6 and one boy, 8 years old.
The boy belonged to a girl who worked there.
He was prancing around in her designer shades. *cough* homo *cough*
The girls belonged to the guy that was working the cash register.
The two girls were attacking each other, another worker was on his break eating at the table behind them. He yelled to their father "your little girl in the pink is evil"
I think she punched the one in the yellow.
My mother caught their father digging in his mouth while at the register while we were eating. He was really getting acquainted with his teeth. She was like "I'm glad, he isn't making the food."
But no, that wasn't the worst about this dude, he was totally ugly.
He shouldn't have even reproduced. His shirt wasn't buttoned all the way & I caught a glimpse of his nappy chest hair by mistake. Eww, lost of appetite right there. *gags*
He was so unconcerned with his job, 100%.

There was also a girl there with her grandfather. She looked about 11 years old.
She was gorgeous with hazel eyes. long lashes & long curly blond hair.
She appeared normal til she opened her mouth & started making movements.
She was "mentally disabled" I like retarded so much better.I am myself am retarded.
Why are all the gorgeous ones fucked?
Her words weren't even audible.
She had the speech of a one year old just learning to talk.
When the dude was handing then the cup for their order to self serve themselves she kept reaching for the cup, all the way over the counter.
I wanted to laugh but that would not have been nice.
She kept waving and smiling at two ugly men. Her grandfather was like "sweetie, don't do that"
I was thinking honey, those are NOT the ones you wanna be flirting with.
They had just got off work.
Man #1: (after coming from the bathroom) Isn't it odd how when you're at work, time goes by fast but you can't wait for it to be over?
Man#2: Yeah, it's weird, now we're off & time is going by slow.
Time wasn't going by slow, BK's employees just take forever and a day to get shit together.

I hate eating out with my mother.She's so embarrassing and needy.
I initially thought we were gonna take our food home.
The dude didn't even ask us if we were having it for there or to go.
By default we were given the brown paper "to go" bag.

There were two guys from AT&T having lunch there.
I could tell from their badges & shirts.
No older than 30 years old.
They looked like they had just graduated college so about 24.
One looked like a dork with stylish glasses but he was attractive, the other looked like a thug, baggy jeans, backwards cap...

Meh: How do I get a job at AT&T?
Mother: Do you like to talk to people?
Meh: NO...nvm.
That was the short conversation we had before we even ordered our meal.
When we go into restaurants we rarely ever just walk in and order.
We always take a seat & lurk the environment. If my mother sees one thing she's not cool with we leave. We once went to 10 restaurants in an hour.
Mother was so hot from walking in the sun all day that she really only went there for the indoors air.We could have gone to Checkers or Sonic's but they only have outdoor eating areas.

At the table, before mother could eat her fries, she needed ketchup. She has to have condiments for everything. She can't eat a biscuit without jelly, no hot dog without mustard (I can't do that either) Therefore no fries w/o ketchup.
So I went to the counter & asked for ketchup.
Him: Do you need something?
Meh: Packets of ketchup....
I had to wait a few minutes then he gave meh three packets.
Now since we were in the restaurant I could have just gotten ketchup from the dispenser in the little white cups but that wasn't what she asked for.
You don't know mt mothers random temper.That's where I get my anger from.

While waiting for the ketchup packets one of the guys (the ghetto one) from AT&T came to the counter.
He caught the manager walking by.
Him: The customer service here needs to be improved.
Her: What about it needs to be improved?
Him: Just the overall service.
Her: Well I need to know what happened? *laughs*
Him: Nothing happened...*laughs*
Her: Well then how can I know to improve?
Him: Just improve the service...

Fucking retarded!

A few minutes later when mother proceeded to eat her burger she realized she needed a fork & knife to cut it. She could have just asked them to cut it for her.
I went back to the counter. He's looking like "her again?!"
Him: What do you need now?
Meh: Do you have a knife & fork?
Him: *grunts* Do you need a spoon with that too?!
Meh: *laugh" Probably.
Him: I'm gonna give it to you anyway....

I had bought a combo meal and added the same sandwich I had to her order.
We only had one drink.We always share anyways but I expected her to just drink her share of the Diet Coke first then I'd finish it.
No, she wanted separate cups.
She wanted meh to go get a cup.
Meh: I've already been up there TWICE!
Her: Who cares? That's what they're here for, they're getting paid for this.

So I walked up there.
Him: Back again?
Meh: Yeah
Him: What do you need?
Meh: A cup.
He gave meh a baby cup, stupid Kids menu.
I went back to the table & poured a bit of the Coke into my baby cup.

I tried to drink the Coke really fast, I did. It burned. Then I went to the soda machine & put Fruit Punch over it. That's the flavor I originally wanted but when sharing with mother I have to choose her flavor. She originally wanted Strawberry Fanta but that's too much sugar for meh and the food coloring turns my entire mouth bright red. And a really unattractive stain on my beautiful white teeth :D

Then we left....It was such a relief to be gone from that torture chamber.I don't think I've ever had an experience quite like that in my life.
My friend Carlisa works at Burger King. I just lost all respect for her! (not really)

I Just Can't Get Away From College!!

It's 9:30 pm, I just got home.
I haven't eaten today except 4 peppermints, 4 Pecan Sandy cookies, 3 mini Hershey candy bars & a bag of Sour Cream & Cheddar potato chips.
That DID NOT agree with my tummy.

I've been with mother since 4pm.
I went to orientation with my mother at her would have been new college.
But an incident happened which triggered her and she decided to withdraw from the school tonight after orientation.
One of the men over academic affairs had very bad breath. So bad that she almost vomited all over the place. When he spoke to my mother, she panicked & ran to the restroom.
My mother is such a drama queen so naturally she made a HUGE deal out of it & caught everyone's attention.They were all like "are you okay?" I'm thinking she's okay, just over exaggerating like always. She freaked out running in circles around the school, acting like she was about to die. It was hella embarrassing. I wanted to be like "I don't know that lady" As if I can't make myself look bad all by myself.
The man was this ugly dude like 6 feet tall, super buff (he was about to bust outta that suit) & he had an angry voice. He was so hostile informing us about the schools policies and whatnot.
I wanted to crawl under the tables and not come out til he stop talking.
I mean he was SCARY!
He totally was not drawing meh to the school but then again I'm not the one who was about to attend.I figured his occupation was in law enforcement b/c he looked like the cop type but I later found out he was a lawyer.
My mother was like how the hell does he defend his clients with his breath?

All the woman wear "stripper shoes" like 8inch stiletto heels & these insane mini skirts.
It was quite the sight to watch for 5 hours.

The snack machine at the college has ice cream sandwiches & bars in it! That's so rad.
My colleges snack machine doesn't have ice cream :( I want to get an ice cream sandwich but my mother would not let meh outta her sight. Total sadness.

My brother is spending the night here.
I have a job interview tomorrow (not telling where.) Got be up around 6am.
I'm not gonna get my hopes up b/c that will lead to a breakdown like college did but I am gonna try to be positive. I can do this. I have a nice personality, what's not to like?

I'm gonna be heading to bed at in a few.
This day was longer than expected. I woke up at 1pm.Yet, it still went by slow.
I can only imagine what tomorrow will be like.

Dude, Where's My Call?

My boyfriend is completely unaware of my existence.
I'm invisible, as if he couldn't say hey.
I'm getting so crazy I even went onto Facebook just to check to see if he was online (he wasn't)
I mean if he can get on there, he can text/call meh.
I know, I'm a total brat but I'm getting highly annoyed right now.
It's 12:20am.
The last time I heard from him was 1pm Monday coming from school.
That was only b/c I called him or I would not have heard from him at that point.
He hung up in my face so he could get his precious beauty sleep. (kidding)
Just for the record I'm not staying up waiting for him to call or text.I just can't sleep. I'm going to bed in a little while.

I'm just really annoyed...

This whole day (Well Tuesday) was my real life friends and all my online friends/associates rubbing their PERFECT relationships in my face.
It's like so unfair, one of my friends was like her boyfriend picked a flower for her.
That's so romantic *sighs* She's so lucky.
Then another one was like the only thing that makes her happy is seeing her boyfriend.
Please, seeing mine triggers meh & I always come home totally miserable.
I can't help but be a little jealous of them, I'm only human.
It's like everyone I know is so fucking happy.
Everyone says I let him treat meh like shit, I really don't.
You can't change a person, you deal with it or you leave....
And don't get meh wrong, I know sometimes it seems like I don't wanna be with him but I really do.I want this more than anything (almost anything) but he's so bad for meh.

It sucks b/c all I can do is bitch and complain.I can't change him, I can't make him understand.I have like no say in anything....

Shiny Toy Razors :)

Make meh happy...

Gosh, I feel so sick right now.
I haven't been feeling well lately, not for like 2 weeks now.
My mother says meh stressing out so much is actually making meh physically sick.
My tummy hurts, my head hurts, when I stand up I almost pass out, etc. I'm always sick...
Everyone realizes it and I bet they think it's all in my head.
I always hear "you're always sick!"

I slit my wrist earlier.
I tried not to but when it all comes down what else can I do.
It's the only thing that has ever made meh feel better.
I don't know how else to cope.
I was just laying in bed, when I started crying, it was actually after some bitch insulted meh.
What she said triggered meh (I have way to many triggers)
This time wasn't bad at all, making progress.
They didn't bleed as much as usual.
The slits are wide but they hurt just as much as usual.
I tried to cut on the actual veins this time but I chickened out and didn't cut deep, barely tore the skin.
I feel defeated, if it's not deep, it doesn't count.

It's really hard to cut around here.
I should start when she's sleeping at 2am.
My mother is watching meh like a hawk since that last incident.
Anytime I learn the living room for more than 5 minutes she comes to find meh & asks what I am doing.
I hide my razors in a place she's never gonna look, in my ring case.
It's getting really annoying. I'm like on suicidal watch, again.
I remember being on it in high school.I wasn't allowed to leave the class for the restroom b/c I might have harmed myself in the restroom.
I solved that problem, one day I sat in the back of the class and cut myself right there.
My teacher caught meh, made a big deal, he escorted meh outta class to the assistant principals office who dressed like a total stripper most days.
All the students were like "let meh see, let meh see" I felt like such a weirdo.

Anyhow, SO GLAD my mother didn't catch meh this time.
I am NOT in the mood to hear her, or anyone else for that matter.
It's MY body & if I wanna damage it I will and no one else has a right to get on meh about it.
She has NO knowledge of it, I hid the bloody paper towel in my pillowcase.
If I put it in the trash she's gonna find it.
Now she might question meh when she sees the newly stained blood drops on my covers.
She always does, "how did those get there? Have u been cutting again?"
I'm need to come up with an excuse before that happens.

Sidenote: Will still hasn't called or texted meh. Maybe he's not talking to meh b/c I dropped out school. Oh well *shrugs*

My "Emo" Story

This is a something I came up with in exactly 5 mins.

I'm not feeling so great right now.

Here's a the story of a girl named Brittanie...

She cries herself to sleep....

She's stupid & useless....

She screws everything up...

She doesn't have any talents...

She loves him so much...

But he doesn't get it....

She'll give anything to stay with him...

He'll be the death of her yet...

But she's never gonna give up...

The End

Ugh,I just realized I screwed up a part of my story, the cartoon with the guitar, that's a guy and not the girl so technically it wouldn't count but everyone get the gist right?

Ugh

Neglected Much?

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Stick A Fork In Meh....

I'm done.
Withdrawing myself on Wednesday.

I decided today in Math97 (beginning Algebra) that I was done with college..FOREVER.
I'm not going back and I don't give a fuck what people say.
It's not that big of a deal.
What's the worst that could happened to meh? I become a crackwhore, eh, not looking too shabby right now....
I intended to just withdraw from that class but since it's a learning support class, meaning you can't get a degree til you pass it & pass the exit exam. Even if you get a 70 in the class and fail the test your start all over again. So if I withdraw from it then it'll drop my history class too which means nothing to actually go to school for this summer....or ever!
The professor was this old bald guy, he kinda looked like Robin Williams but way more unattractive. He had a weird shaped nose.
So yeah, the first day of class he completely taught a full blown lesson in a little under two hours.
I was like seriously, if the first day is this hard, how hard is the entire semester gonna be?!

I almost had a breakdown in class, I wanted to cry.
I almost fell asleep too but I kept myself up. That's a result of being up til 5am.
I paid attention, took notes & listened with my ears.
The end of the class, NOTHING.
Why must things be so hard for meh?

My "friend" is calling meh a crybaby b/c I keep bitching about college.
I am a crybaby & I hate it but I can't help it and like she said someday I'll outgrown my bitchy winyness (I made up some word)

New Mission: find a job, I have to do this.There are NO more options except death.

These Eyes Just Won't Close

It's 2am and I can't sleep.
I got into bed at 12:30, I fell asleep for about 30mins and woke back up.
I always hate the first days of school.
I've had this problem since I started pre-school.
I can NEVER sleep the day before the first day of school.
I just went thur this in January.
Jesus! It isn't even another year yet.
I'm getting double screwed.

I'm thinking about just watching television all night and never going to sleep.
I just know if I don't get to sleep within the next 30mins then I'll just be up til my body finally wears itself down then I'll go to bed around 7am and have to be up at 8:30.
I'll oversleep then I'll miss the first day of school and it'll throw my entire semester off.

Ahhh! This is driving meh crazy like for serious. I have a sore throat, it just came as I was typing this.

Plus, I've been eating so I'm gaining a shitload of weight.
This is gonna put meh two months behind in getting to my goal weight.
My tummy is so inflated right now, I look 3 months pregnant.This is disgusting *gags* I have fat rolls. I'm so miserable being a fat ass. This is so uncool.I bet I'm like 110lbs now.
I'm afraid of the scale.
I can't wait for my food to digest, to get all this mess outta my colon (I need laxatives like ASAP) & for my tummy to be flat again. Lucky I don't have to wear a bathing suit tomorrow!

The bright side of going to school is....my mother won't be able to force food down my throat. Lucky meh :) I'll lose at least 10lbs by the end of summer school. *does a happy dance*

I'm gonna be so sleep in class tomorrow. Maybe they'll be easy on us and let us out early. Nah!
My eyes are gonna be all glossed over & blurry, the skin underneath them will puffy and I'm gonna look even shitter than usual. Ugh, I don't think I'm going. I have about 5 hours to decide.

The ONLY reason I'm truly going is to get my last refund back. I'm poor and I can't get hired. wanting a little money is not the worst thing I can want. In my defense I applied at 3 places last week. William says I'm using the government, I'm not. They owe meh. The gov't doesn't help people as much as people like Will think. It's something only a poor person understands. I'm not really "using" the gov't b/c I actually go to classes & attempt to do work. It's just never right. So sue meh, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed xD

Tomorrow's The BIG Day

First day of the the summer semester.
I'm going to a new campus, this is the one I've heard about and everyone says it's mad cool and there might be some people there like meh.

No one gets how much I don't want to go.
I'm willing to bet my life on the simple fact that I will NOT graduate.
It's not about people picking on meh, please, it's college.I got over those insecurities the 3rd week of school last semester. It's the fact that I can't do that work =/

I know myself better than anyone will ever know meh.
My mother doesn't even know meh and she has raised meh for 20years.
I know I'm 20 but she's still raising meh.
William can't even begin to understand meh, he thinks that if I just try & work my hardest I'll pass.
Yeah, that's called optimistic bullshit.
I'm not like everyone else, I have talents but they don't include educational stuff.
Gosh, I'm so sorry I'm not Einstein.

I failed 3 of 5 classes last semester.
And the classes I passed a rock covered in moss could have passed. Even Will said so.
Like Art History & Choices For Life aka Health is really hard. At least I know I have half a brain to pass those.
I've pretty much blown my college career.I'm not the type of person to start over. Stick a fork in meh, I'm fucking done!
I'm being suspended from ALL the University systems in the Georgia for three years due to meh failing Math97, remedial math. I'm basically still in high school math.

Tomorrow I start in the same class Math 97, any takers for how horribly I'll fail this time.
College is just a waste of time for meh. I'm not gonna get a degree. I don't know what it is but I can't get schoolwork. I have a hard enough time with the other subjects. I haven't even gotten to Science yet. I'm even worst at that than Math!

Oh and I'm off financial aid for the REST OF MY LIFE.
I knew this would happen, I should have waited and went to college when I was ready.
Maybe when I was 30 I would have been ready but I'm not matured enough or maybe my brains hasn't caught up to where it should be.
Forcing myself thur something has never gotten meh anywhere.
I almost had a nervous breakdown last semester, actually I think I did.

I get to spend the next two months, 5 days a week in summer school.
Oh lucky, lucky meh!
FML.

I'm gonna need to take my razors to school b/c that's the ONLY way I'm going to get thur this. I'll be making frequent stops in the restroom.

I know there's something I can do in life but college seriously isn't it and it hurts so much to know I'm not gonna make it thur.

How Dare He?!

William asked meh was I cheating on him.
He randomly bought it up.
Fucking serious?!

I didn't even hang out with Colin.
We don't even talk anymore.
I'm not gonna text my ex boyfriend, he's the only who texts meh.

I don't text or talk to any of the guys I was talking to in the past.

Just b/c I still have my Plenty of Fish account it must mean I'm cheating on him.
Wtf? I should be asking him that but if I did he'd freak out on meh.
I'm not allowed to think he'll cheat on meh but he can totally question meh.
I don't get it, why be with someone you're gonna cheat on?

The way I see it, I should be allowed to keep my page on that site.
I need to have options in case he dumps meh again.
Which I seriously believe will happen.
That whole future with him. I gave up a couple weeks ago.
Now it's just like whatever.....I don't know how I feel.
He said we might get marry, might means maybe and that's never a good thing in a relationship.
Nothing has changed. He still treats meh the EXACT same way he always treated meh.

He's like "baby, no, I don't have options"
Yeah, I believe that.....
I hate to bring this up again BUT if he could, he'd totally have Kesha :p
So he has at least one option (not that she'd go for him)

I just feel really insulted by him asking that.
Grrr, he always ruins my moods, this is exactly why I deleted his number therefore I can only communicate with him when he texts/calls meh.

Stalked By Starbucks

I just realized there isn't anywhere you can go and NOT be haunted by Starbuck's.
It's not even a real word.

It's the name of an overpriced company that revolves around fucking coffee.
Let's face it, No one is ever gonna go there to just get a sandwich or a desert.
As if we couldn't make all that at home.
All you need is coffee beans, caramel and whipped cream.
They need a dollar menu. I CANNOT afford basically $5 for coffee and whipped cream.
I mean almost everything they have is fattening.
I once read somewhere that if you have a drink from Starbucks in the morning you might as not eat for the rest of the day b/c you've just went over the recommended amount of 2000 calories per day.
Why the fuck are skinny girls always there?!
They go bulimic on their latte after wards.
That was mean, forgive meh JK I don't back down from what I say :D

In my lifetime I've only been to Starbucks twice.
I went when I was about 9 when one first opened in my area.

Then again when I was 16 as a junior in high school.
We were coming from school, I think so. Maybe we were just walking around and we didn't even go to school. I don't quite remember.
I know Vanessa was with us & Yousef payed for our orders.
I didn't order coffee, I ordered an Expresso brownie.
When I actually got that brownie I was in for a big surprise.
It was sooo gross & bitter, I took a bite and spit it out.
I was like "eww, what the fuck is this?! It taste like coffee!"
Then my friends informed meh that is was indeed coffee...sorta.
They were all like what did u think it was made out of?
We're in Starbucks. They put coffee in everything BUT the sandwiches!
They were like Brittanie, it's called an "expresso brownie" That didn't ring a bell?
You've never heard of regular Expresso.
Seriously, I thought expresso meant I'd get the brownie really fast.
Express usually means faster where I come from....I'm so confused.
I should've known something was up when it took them 7 mins to give it to meh.
Grrr, I wanna rob Starbucks. Gimme all the coffee and no one get hurts.
AND PUT SOME EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM ON THAT, IT BETTER BE LOWFAT OR I'M BLOWING YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF.

Coffee Beans at Starbucks Are Magical Beans :D

Meh+You=Starbucks

This is what happens when you leave them out in the sun, oh wait, they always look like that. Gross melted caramel and shit *gags*

Starbucks While You Study, I wish I could blame this on the reason I'm failing college.

I got NOTHING.

Looks like a five year took a fucking Sharpie to her mother's cup but isn't it cute?!

Starbucks Body Art, those girls have some asses on them :D

I got NOTHING again

I Had An Affair With A Vanilla Latte, forgive meh, it was a moment of weakness. It'll NEVER happen again.

This Starbucks looks really fake =/

Starbucks & Chanel, I'm never gonna experience this b/c I can't afford Chanel. See, their products are just as much as that ugly ass purse. I'd prefer Prada anyway :p

I'm not sure what that is, it looks like a cheesecake covered in crushed up Oreos. I'm not sure Starbucks is the best combo for that pie.

Where's Freddy?!

Friday morning at 12am, I saw Nightmare on Elm Street with William.The movie was awesome. I seriously wanna see it again as scary as it was.
Will said he'd never thought he'd like a Freddy movie.
Katie Cassidy is total thinspo.
She played Chris.
She's tall , skinny & blond and has the biggest gap between her legs.
I was so jealous of her until she was murdered by Freddy.
Then the jealousy went away b/c I'm not dead....yet :D
Don't u just hate how the hottest people always die first in the movie? We need our eye candy if we're gonna be forced to look at "pizza face" for two hours.

Kyle Gallner, who played Quentin was awesome.
I ♥ him.
He's so gorgeous in a weird "emo" looking way.
Horror movies must be his specialty.
He played Colin in Jennifer's Body.
Same character really except this time he didn't get his insides ripped out by a chick.

I really loved this movie b/c we finally found out the complete deal with Freddy. He was pervert with a capital "P"
The kids went to Badham Preschool, with a name like that no wonder they're having nightmares.
He was like maintenance at the preschool, he lived in the basement. The kids told what he was doing to them & then there parents chased him into this abandoned building and burned him alive. That's so mean! I was so sad when I saw that part. That's not the responsible way to hand a child molester xD

Yeah, I'm tired of blogging about this damn movie. Just go watch it for yourself :p

Dinnertime Is Near :(

I had the hardest time getting into my blogger account just now.
I typed in my login info 6 times.
It was right every time but instead my page just kept reloading and telling meh to re-enter it.
I finally got in.I had to change login pages.
I was getting paranoid like "shit, William changed my password"
I know, it's sorta crazy to always think he's behind all evil but it wouldn't be a stretch if he did.

Anyhow it's a little past 5pm here.
I just woke up.I'm getting my sleep in before it's time for meh to go back to school in less than 48 hours.
I think I was trying to sleep off my headache.It's partially gone.
My mother has a new mission in her life. It's too NOT let meh starve to die.
If she can help it I'll be back to average weight. Ewww.

She brought meh breakfast in bed this morning ,which included eggs (my fear food) a slice of wheat toast w/jelly & a small bowl of corn flakes w/sliced bananas & a cup of V8 berry Fusion.
I ate and went right back to sleep.

It's almost dinner time, she's gonna be shoving food down my throat like no ones business...

You Smell Like A Baby Prostitute :D

So, I still have a headache.
It'll be a new day when it goes away.
I always hate when I cry myself into a headache, I imagine it's like being hungover.

But I've been watching Mean Girls for the past hour & texting my friends.
It definitely made meh feel better.
I ♥ this movie, it has always made meh feel better.
This movie got meh thur 10th grade.
I had it on VHS, back when we had a DVD/VHS player.It broke and we only had a DVD player so I can't watch it anymore unless it comes on television.
This movie is the BEST movie of all time

These made meh LOL so loud!! :D

-Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant. And die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK? Promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers. (sex+pregnancy=death)
-I know it may look like I had become a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch. (once a bitch, always a bitch)
-Omg, it's her dream come true, diving into a big pile of girls. (that sounds pretty fun actually ;))
-If you're from Africa...why are you white? (I wonder the same thing about Charlize Theron)
-Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed. (no it's not, it's her parents fault)
-I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack. (who doesn't wanna talk about crack?)
-And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that. (how can u be more than all that?! is she also a teenage witch?)
-One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome! (that chick has some issues,I'd say)

Next I'm gonna try to see if Degrassi is on.
I haven't watched in two weeks. I'm behind on the drama.

I don't know what's up with meh.My moods are all over the place.
I for seriously need to start taking my meds before I flip out and commit homicide.
Even my mother is afraid of meh.....ugh, my brother called while I was blogging to have meh hack this girls account on Facebook & change her birthday.
This is why I'm a psychotic stalker, do you know who I'm related to?!

Why Do I Think I Can Count On Him?

I knew this would happen.
It always does.
In the beginning things were great, he actually cared.
Now he just repeatedly lets meh down and disappoints meh.
Week after week.I mean he doesn't even try.
He doesn't wanna drive meh anywhere. He just wants what he wants then he insults meh and moves on. This relationship isn't healthy at all! Maybe if I wasn't so STUPID, I'd get it and let him go.

I missed my fucking therapy appointment b/c of him.
Third time in a row, I've missed my appointment with the doctor also 3 times b/c of him.
He's gonna say this wasn't his fault. Yes, it was.
When the alarm went off he should have woke up, then woke meh up.
I admit I hit the alarm on his phone. I turned it off but still....he heard it.
We both woke up for it then went back to sleep.
He kept meh up til 6am. When I'm at home I'll go to bed early if I know I have somewhere to go the next morning. I never overslept for school but every fucking time I stay at his place I miss something important. It NEVER fails!
He only wakes up when its something for him.He never misses rehearsal or church (when he worked there)
We finally woke up at 11:45! The first thing he said was "weren't we suppose to go somewhere?" No shit Sherlock! I looked at the time, that ruined my ENTIRE day and next week. It always happens.

Now I can't get another appointment for 3 fucking weeks. I'm gonna go crazy and slit my wrist numerous times before then. When I go back I'll have a month and a week worth of stuff to tell her. If it wasn't for this blog I wouldn't know. The day before therapy I'll just refer him and brush up on my memories :D

In the car he tried to make meh feel bad by having a mock session of therapy. He was the therapist and I was the patient (like always) Okay, that didn't help at all. Our sessions usually include how horrible he is. Talking to him about how he makes meh feel is a complete waste. That's like talking to a brick wall. I know b/c I have and he's stubborn.

His mother doesn't want meh around these days so he's all like "be quiet" and we're sneaking around the house. Luckily she wasn't there when we left at 12. She was out walking the dogs. In the car I actually had to hide leaving their community so she wouldn't see meh.

Now my mother is breathing down my neck about meh missing my appointment. I get it b/c it always happens. Come to think of it, a few days before leading to our breakup, I missed a therapy appointment. She's like "stop thinking you can count on that man" "your mental health is more important" "you should have let him miss you a couple more days & not went" "you're wet behind the ears"
Hate to admit it but she's right.Ugh, the wretched taste of defeat.

I don't even wanna be around him anymore. I told him weeks ago I didn't wanna be in their house anymore. Why be anywhere where you're not welcomed. I can't stand to be with someone who's parents don't like meh.

Real Life Nightmares

Last night William came to pick meh up. It was around 10.
I should have declined like I have been doing.
Being with him is a trigger for meh.
I ALWAYS come home crying. He doesn't care. He just laughs.
It's all over.
I don't even wanna see him anymore.
I don't want a family with him.
I should have let him move on when he wanted to.
I regret the day he ever came into my life. It's been nothing but sadness since the day I met him.
He does nothing but put meh down. I slightly felt good about myself until him and his mother.
They're worst than my mother will ever be. She's my mother, she can say whatever she wants. But him and his mother have NO RIGHT to be so goddamn critical of meh. They don't even know meh. Oooh, you've been dating someone 7 months, it takes long to carry a human inside of you. They don't know ANYTHING about meh!
Ugh, I hate how even my mother is agreeing with how his mother treats meh.

Letme try to recap last nights events...then in the next post I'll move on to today.

We went to the movies to see the new Nightmare On Elm Street.
I honestly can't say I enjoyed it, I mean I enjoyed the movie but the experience, no.
It was all just too much for meh.They went ALL OUT for this movie, too gruesome and random.
At least they finally told the story of Freddy and what was up with those children. I was afraid for an hour after the movie.

We didn't get home til 3am, the movie started at 12:10. Then Will kept us up a few more hours. He made meh listen to his songs then watched Forest Gump.We didn't even finish, his parents woke up around 6am therefore we had to go to sleep. I'm like just b/c they're up we have to sleep. WTF? Truth be told, his music makes meh sad. It just reminds meh of everything I am not. He's talented, I'm NOT. I'm good at cutting my wrist, that's it. I'm obviously not good enough b/c I'm still alive. All he does is make meh feel worst about myself. Fuck it. He's like you're not you don't have any talents, you're not good at anything, blah, blah, blah.

I'm NOT smart, talented, beautiful or likable. Everyone hates meh. Even I hate myself. I'm literally my own worst enemy. William didn't graduate from high school and he's still doing better than meh. He mentioned Josh & Julie, his best friend who didn't graduate either. They're making lots of money. His words exactly. Fuck it, why did I even go to high school? I was nothing then, I'm nothing now. I have a fucking useless diploma. The night I kill myself I'm burning my diploma. I might do it before then.

Mother is calling meh for dinner but I'm not eating. I give up. In one way or another I intend to die. I'll die of starvation. My friend Thomas once told meh that was a beautiful death. Just the way it happens. It's a slow process, watching the body eat away at itself til there's nothing left but bones.
I wasn't beautiful in life, I'll be beautiful in death.

Dreams of Suicide

These next few posts will be fucked up. My mind is so scattered. I'm having the hardest time pulling these thoughts outta my head and putting em into words. They're all running around trying to escape whatever is after them....

I feel as if my head could POP. I mean it's seriously painful. I might pass out before i finish all these blogs....

Well we solved the mystery, Williams mother found my blog from a link on another page.
That page was my PrettyThin profile b/c that's the only place these links are posted publicly.
She's such a stalker and she's wrong for for.
Will keeps saying it shouldn't bother meh & that I'm making a big deal out of it.
NO, I'm not & yes, it does. She screamed at meh.
You don't scream at a "psycho" girl. You'd think she'd know that!
That's gonna bother meh for months to come (or until the day I kill myself)
Apparently she thinks I'm stupid. He thinks I'm stupid. This whole damn planet thinks I'm stupid. I never thought I was stupid til high school ended and they kicked meh out into the real world. I feel so helpless and pathetic out here. I can't do anything, RIGHT.
I just wanna go to sleep and NOT wake up, I don't wanna live. If I keep saying maybe it'll come true. PLEASE, I've never wanted anything more than I want death. I've wanted it since I was 7.

I'm NEVER be anything more than I am now. I'm sorry.
Will asked meh was there anything I wanted to do in life.
I use to have hopes and dreams but they all went away somehow.
I'd like to think all the years of crying, my tears washed em all away...
I;m not happy being who I am but it's who I am and there's really nothing I can do about it.
Right now I wanna die. Fuck what William says, fuck what his mother says, fuck what my mother says.They don't get and they never will.
I just wish someone understood meh and what I'm going thur. But there's no one who does. I swear it hurts so much.They don't have any idea what it's like to be meh.
I'm NEVER happy, I have to always fake a smile. Everyone labels meh as a loser.
All I ever do is cry, scream, crack up and cut my wrist.

You'd think by 20 I'd be happy, I just can't be. I've cried myself into a headache.
I've spent the last 3 hours crying. It's too much. I just don't.....
NOT even my own mother understands.
I feel like I'm trapped in a box that I can't get out of & I try but I always fail and I'm stuck in this fucking box.
I gotta do this, really soon.
I know I'll be dead and I won't be around to see it but at least I'll die knowing I accomplished something....I've never managed to do anything right in my life. At least I can kill myself and call it a day.

THINGS WILL NEVER BE OKAY. THINGS WILL NEVER BE OKAY. I don't regret many things in my life BUT THE DAY I REGRET MOST OF MY LIFE I didn't even have control over, IT'S THE DAY I WAS BORN. Someone screwed up majorly when they decided I would be brought into this world. I just wanna die, I don't care. It's the only thing I can think about. So tonight I'm making a list of ways to kill myself and I'm going try em all over and over again until they work. I have a pretty good idea of what I wanna do. I'm not slitting my wrist in the right places. If I cut that area inside where my arms bends inwards, that's bound to work. I've seen how much blood can come outta there :)