So it's 3am and I'm doing some thinking. I tried to sleep but I'm not tired and I'm way too stressed. I'm finally realizing that being with William i bad for meh. He doesn't make meh feel special, beautiful, like I'm the only girl that he sees and I'm the only girl he loves. Okay, sometimes he says sweet things and for a split second I believe him but then I think; why even bother to let yourself fall & care when all he'll do is disappoint you an hour later. It never fails.
I was doing yard work with his mother yesterday and she's like "I don't like you being with my son" I'm like what?! She's like oh nothing personal, it's just you need someone stable. I'm like what do u mean? She goes; you know, a guy who doesn't take your so called friend on a trip to another state. I'm like well, you got meh there. I can't argue with that. So later when he's getting ready to leave, I get at him about it. He's like it happened, it's the past, get over it and stop talking about it. It's not the fact that it happened, it's the fact that it shouldn't have happened. No good boyfriend would take a girl who's talked shit about his girlfriend (who he claims to love) for like 3 years on a trip to another state, the same state he took meh a yr ago when we were happy but refuses to take meh again. And he sees nothing wrong with that. Even his own fuckin mother has a problem with that. It's like how can he NOT see everything that everyone else can see?!
It really got meh thinking, he doesn't respect, he may love meh but he's not in love with meh and I will never get what i've always wanted from him. Like that lovey dovey feeling, where you can't live without someone, where you just feel like they were made for you, that feeling where you won't ever get tired of them. I don't see that with him. Like he doesn't wanna marry meh, he doesn't want kids with meh, I'm not sure he even wants a real life with meh. He want to probably live with meh, fuck meh and always be gone working on music. That's not a real life. I want a husband. Not a boyfriend that I'm gonna date for 20 years, if we could even last 20 yrs. It's been a year and it feels like an eternity and honestly I'm fed up with him and all his bullshit. Like nothing has an effect on him. I can't tell him how I feel. He just makes fun of meh. He makes fun of everything about meh. I'm not perfect, I know that but it would great if my boyfriend didn't pick on meh. It's not even funny anymore. Now I'm just laughing thur the pain. I can't cry when he's the cause of it b/c he tells meh to stop it. I'm not a fucking lamp, you can't turn meh on and off. When I'm sad, it's not going away b/c you said stop. We never do cute couple things, like every fucking couple I know takes a shitload of photos together. He doesn't like taking photos. Probably doesn't want any evidence that he was ever with meh. I just want the pic, I wouldn't even bother to put em on Facebook anymore. I asked him for the longest time to be in a relationship with meh on there, he refused and I realized, I don't want people to know I'm with this piece of shit guy who treats meh like a piece of shit. I pretty much told everyone that we're broken up except for my close friends that I always talk to. They have to know b/c who else am i gonna go to 24/7 to complain about Will?!
Every since I was little I just wanted someone to love meh and always be there for meh and I'm so desperate with guys. Like I can't help it. Then William came along and I wanted it to work since I gave ny virginity to him. Biggest regret I have in life. I mean I've done stupid shit, but that is tops. I wish I could relive that day and never came to his house, or better yet, ignored his msg on Plentyoffish. If only I could see the bad things coming.
I wanna be a model, not really but I think it would be cool. I mean I'd like to at least try again and see if I got anywhere. I said I was gonna try out for Top Model, wasn't even being serious. The first thing he says "you'll never make it, they're looking for super attractive girls and you're just cute" That's NOT what u say to a girl who you "love" I know I'm not the prettiest girl walking around, not even close, like I'm not in the category of being pretty but still. If no one else believes in meh or thinks I'm attractive, I'd at least expect my boyfriend to be like "oh sweetheart, you're gorgeous, you'd have some chance" or something like that. See, he never says anything nice or encourages to meh so I can't even imagine what he would say :/
He gawks and praises like every fucking female on the planet from celebs (that I shouldn't even be jealous of) to his friends and even my friends. I get it, my friend Miya has amazing boobs. He makes that clear all the fucking time. "I wanna cum all over Miya's hot naked boobs" Ugh, I use to feel good about my boobs and like them even if tho they're small. That's all gone now. God forbid I ever get enough money, I'm getting implants.
I mean I admit I'm not the best girlfriend, but I try and I can't help the way I am. I really wish I wasn't so screwed up and everything. The meds don't rly seem to help meh for long. I always relaspe. I always slip and say the wrong thing. I always do the wrong thing. I am the wrong thing. It would make things so much easier if i was normal. It's not easy being with meh but it's not easy being with him either. Everyone says we r bad for each other. It's true. I guess I'm too blame for his behavior. I'm so bad that I bring out the worst in him.
I just wanna go back to cutting and starving myself. It feels like apart of meh is missing. I'm never gonna be better, I'll never be okay, so getting rid of a few bad habits won't help meh.
Fuck this, like I've spent the lat 4 hrs crying. I've had it. Every day inside more and more I'm losing it. I try to just let all this stuff float over my head and tell myself it doesnt matter and that he loves meh but what happens when i get to the point where I don't believe it anymore?
It just hurts soooo much, like I don't wanna have to always cry, and feel like I do now....
Well I cried my way thur this blog entry but I'm done :((
